Deepen Your Pool of Connection with SPARCH ("Spark")

The last post discussed what PARCHeS relationships – or some reasons emotional connections go from pools to puddles. This post will focus on ways to deepen the relationship pool and the answer actually involves rearranging the same letters as PARCHS to form the word SPARCH ("Spark" J). Each of these get at the heart of helping things go right in relationships. They each add cups of connection to your relationship pool of connection. Notice how each of the following are about “turning out”, by focusing on others instead of “turning in” and thinking and protecting yourself.

S – stands for Service. One of the fastest and best ways to add cups of connection to your relationship pool is simply to serve. There is something about doing something kind for someone else that seems to melt away hard feelings. Serving draws us closer to others more quickly than almost anything else I know. Perhaps one of my most favorite quotes on service is simply, “first observe, then serve.”

Serving our spouse allows us to escape the bitter feelings we may have towards them. In his book, The Heart of Commitment, Scott Stanley says, “Sacrifice [and service are] the highest expressions of dedicated, loving action because it asks you to show by your actions that you really mean it when you say you are committed.” (p. 193)

The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our expressions of love and commitment mean little if our spouse doesn’t feel they are sincere. Simple acts of service are one of the best ways we can show our sincerity. By putting their needs and wants in front of our own, we can show them how much they matter to us. This week, actively look for ways to serve your spouse. There might be a chore you can do that is normally their responsibility. See what happens, then notice the cup of connection you just poured into your relationship pool.

P – stands for Positivity. There has been an explosion of research in the past two decades on positivity and positive psychology, and for good reason! Science tells us that the human brain receives 11 million pieces of information every second from our environment, but can only process 40 bits per second. That means we have to choose what we focus on and what to dismiss or ignore. In other words, your reality is a choice – what you choose to focus on shapes how you perceive and interpret your world. So there is a tradeoff, I can think about more negatives, and as a result, the less positives I see, OR I change my mindset and focus on the positives.

A story has been told about a couple where occasionally the husband got irritated and complained about his wife’s faults. Finally she got tired of being criticized and declared, “You know, you have faults, too!” The husband replied, “Yes. But they don’t bother me like yours do!” One of the realities of marriage is that over time we become very familiar with our spouse’s faults. No matter how much you love your spouse, no matter how solid your friendship, no matter how fiercely loyal you are, you cannot help but notice their mistakes, shortcomings and failings.

But something wonderful happens when we change our mindset and focus on the positive. It is simply this: while we are well aware of their shortcomings, we do not DWELL on them. In other words, “be aware”, but “don’t compare” your spouse to others or yourself. Rather, we recognize we have things we need to work on too, so we see things in the context of the positive.  Focus on the 80-90% you really love about your spouse, not the 10-20% that drives you nuts.

Wally Goddard, a dear friend and mentor taught that we can increase the amount of positive emotions we feel by finding aspects of our past, present, and future to appreciate and savor. We can remember the good things that have happened in our past and choose to rewrite the negative memories with a positive theme by thinking of the good that came out of them. We can also slow down to savor and appreciate the small things in life such as our spouse’s smile, a warm sunny day, or the taste of your favorite dessert. Anticipate the possibilities of good things yet to come with a positive outlook. Besides positivity is contagious, but so is negativity. A wise former teacher explained that when we give negativity, negativity comes back quickly! But when we give positive, positive comes back slowly. Be patient, and choose to be positive with your 40 bits per second!

A – stands once again for Attitude. Just as a negative attitude repels others from wanting to get close, a warm, engaging, patient, cheerful, and supportive attitude is inviting. We can choose to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt rather than be suspicious. Our attitude, while being susceptible to influence by others, our prior experience, and our environment (see H.A.L.T. in previous post), is ultimately a matter of choice. This can be difficult because our brains are actually wired to notice and point out mistakes. But when you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities you will have more opportunities for connection.

We have all heard the cliché phrase, “an attitude of gratitude.” Research actually shows that choosing to feel grateful for not only what you have in your life, but more importantly who you have in your life, and expressing that gratitude to them, increases happiness. If you haven’t seen THIS youtube clip on gratitude, it’s definitely worth your time.

Finally, learn to live with things that cannot change. Be glad you can bring qualities your spouse does not have and be glad they can bring some too. Focus and talk about the wonderful things you enjoy about your spouse, especially when you are around others. Refrain from becoming a “complain monster”, which leads to dipping from your relationship pool. Choose to be positive and grateful.

R – stands for Response. Just as our response and attitude can dip water from our relationship pool, a positive response to calls for connection (see post on Turning Toward Calls for Connection) make a world of difference. Our attitudes begin with the condition of our hearts, which lead to thoughts, then actions. A positive attitude doesn’t let feelings of “fairness” get in the way of happiness. When a spouse irritates you, resist the urge to make things "fair" by RESPONDING the same way. Rather, irritation is an invitation to slow down and see things from their perspective. Our attitude, or how we feel about a situation really is up to us. It’s vital that we slow down and remember that in the big picture, people are more important than problems, projects, and profits.

C – stands for Compassion. A good friend and mentor, Wally Goddard wrote the following: “Sometimes we spend too much time conducting investigations and holding court in our relationships. We worry about who started a problem and who deserves the blame. We can get stuck in blame and recrimination. When mistakes are made in our relationships, we can choose NOT to get stuck. We can choose to offer compassion and forgiveness to ourselves and our partners. We can invite compassion and forgiveness from our partner by apologizing. The next time one of you blunders in your relationship, take a deep breath and go looking for your compassion. Accept that both of you are human and will inevitably make mistakes. Offer compassion to your partner and ask for forgiveness for your mistakes.”

Some of my favorite Christmas movies include “A Christmas Carol” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Both are tales that are excellent examples of moving from PARCHeS to SPARCH. Notice how these stories reflect each element from both acronyms. Both characters were Prideful, with negative Attitudes that led to being irritable with others and Responding gruffly with people. Each character got stuck in murky depths of Competition and Hostility. But something miraculous happened that transformed them from the inside out. They each, in their own unique way saw others from a different perspective. This new outlook not only changed their actions, but it changed their hearts and attitudes. As a result, Humility and Compassion filled their souls and they turned outward instead of inward by Serving others and experiencing the joy that comes from doing so. The principles from both stories offer priceless insights for happy marriages!

H – stands for Humility. If pride is the ultimate destroyer of relationship pools, then humility is the foundation of our pools.  One of the most consistent and powerful findings in Dr. John Gottman’s research on predicting happy couples was the husband’s ability to accept influence from his wife. Wow! It wasn’t his ability to craft “I” statements or his skill in reflective listening. It is his openness to being influenced, seeing things from her perspective, and considering how she might feel about the situation. Whereas pride is concerned about WHO is right, humility focuses on WHAT is right.

Humility leads to apologies, which are simply requests for reconnection. When we have done wrong, we metaphorically dip from our pool of connection, which, according to Gottman, actually results in 5 dips from our pool due to the 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity in happy marriages. It takes humility to approach our spouse. In effect, we are saying to them, “I’m so sorry I messed up. I feel distant from you and want to be close again. We lost our connection because of what I have said or done, and I’m reaching out to close the gap.”

I like this article by Scott Gornto and the way he discusses humility as the #1 important ingredient for a successful marriage. In research I have carried out with colleagues across the country, we found in our results of more than 1,500 telephone surveys, that Positivity, Compassion, and Humility predicted 46% of a person’s marital satisfaction! This is a remarkable finding! Of these three qualities of character, humility turns out to be the strongest predictor. In fact, when we looked at marital stress, we found that higher marital stress, not surprisingly, is related to lower levels of marital satisfaction, EXCEPT when humility was high. In other words, humility acts as a buffer to stress in marriage! We would do well to apply the principle in this popular saying, “To keep your relationship brimming, with love in your connection cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.” For some of the very best free resources on getting our hearts right (from University of Arkansas Extension), click HERE.

In summary, marriages offer us the opportunity to experience the greatest joys in life, but they also can be stressful and stretch us in ways that are uncomfortable. If we can focus our time and attention on the principles outlined in this post, our relationship pools will become deeper. As they become deeper the occasional negativity that happens in ALL relationships will not feel as damaging because we choose to focus on the depths of the connection formed from months and years of positive, consistent, conscious connection. I hope you remember the importance of relationship SPARCH, whether your relationship pool of connection is deep or shallow.

I would love to read your feedback and comments below!