What Advice Do Empty-Nest Parents Have to Share About Parenting?

Let's say you are planning your first trip to Hawaii. Wouldn't you want to do some searching online about Hawaii? Who would you talk with to find out what you would need to see and do on your trip? I've seen several posts from friends on Facebook that ask this same question - and there are always several comments from people who have "been there, done that." It makes complete sense to talk with and learn from others who have actually been there.

I think the same concept applies to parenting. Doesn't it make sense to talk with other parents and find out what they are doing and how it works? I think we can learn quite a bit from empty-nest parents--parents who have launched their children and now can look back on what they did, and perhaps wish they did.

So I did exactly that! I surveyed more than 500 empty-nest parents all over the country to find out more about their experiences of parenting. What could I, and countless other parents, learn about parenting so we can improve NOW, before our kids grow up and move away? For starters, 46% said that parenting was "more difficult" or "much more difficult" than they expected. They're right, parenting is tough stuff!
 
The actual study goes into much more detail than I can share here, but I will highlight a few things from my research. One of my burning questions was this: "Looking back, it is common for most parents to have a few regrets, or wish they had done a few things differently if they could do it all over again. If you could go back, what do you wish you could do differently?"
 
By far, the most common response was wishing they were more patient with their kids. One parent wrote, "I regret losing my temper when I was tired or stressed - should have made myself calm down before tackling their behavior." Another parent shared this, "Don't be negative to them. Don't dwell on failures or mistakes."
 
The second most common response was wishing they spent more time with their kids. One parent wrote, "I wish that I would have spent more time with them while I had them at home....I just wish I had done more with them and 'forgot' about work more often." Several empty-nesters remarked that the time goes way too fast and to enjoy them at every stage.
 
Finally, many empty-nest parents wished they would have spent more time improving their knowledge about parenting. One parent put it this way: "I wish I had all of the great parenting resources that exist today and had absorbed it all well enough to recognize some things that I missed." Another empty-nester said,  "I wish I had realized the benefit of parenting education then."

A few other highlights from my research:

• Spend time making memories, going on outings, mini-vacations
• Enjoy the small and simple moments
• Set a positive example
• Love them, love them, love them
• Don't give up - take a timeout for yourself occasionally

And I really like what this empty-nest parent had to say: "We were a pretty serious family. We should have not taken everything so seriously, and had a little more fun."

Wow! I completely agree. Sometimes I find myself taking everything too serious. It's SO important to slow down and be silly once in awhile. Here's one of those moments in the Schramm fam from a few years ago.

Notice how most of what empty-nest parents are saying has to do with building strong meaningful connections with their kiddos. It takes time, and it's hard work, but life really is all about connections!

Let me quickly flip things around. What if you ARE AN EMPTY-NEST PARENT NOW? There are still many ways to create connections with your children. A few years ago my birthday was around the corner and so I called my parents to tell them what I wanted for my upcoming birthday. I wanted them to each write me a letter, but not just any type of letter. I wanted them to think of this letter as the last letter that they would write to me in this life. In other words, I wanted to hear what they had to tell me, as if it was the last things they would ever say.

Although both of my parents are still alive (I love them like crazy!!), I treasure these letters, and will for as long as I live. You just never know what tomorrow will bring - they could be gone and I wouldn't have these letters. So if you are reading this and your children are grown and have moved on. Take some time to write them a letter, as if it was the last things you would ever tell them. Share your love and share from your heart what you want them to know and always remember. It will mean the world to them, I promise!

I took the opportunity recently to write letters to my oldest two daughters. The purpose of these letters was first, to let them know how much I loved them, and second, to share my hopes and dreams for them as they grow up. Wow! What a challenge, but a great experience.  I highly encourage parents who have teenagers to write a similar letter. Let them know what you want for them, why you do the things you do now, and let them know how much you love and support them. This is another great way to strengthen the base of the parenting pyramid (see previous post) - the parent-child relationship!

If you are interested in learning more about what I discovered from the empty-nest parent study I conducted, I would be more than happy to email you all the details as we get them analyzed. Shoot me an email! schrammdg@missouri.edu