Hold Up an Emotional Mirror

Research shows that when children (and adults) are experiencing a strong emotion (fear, anger, sadness, stress, etc.) it is very difficult to learn anything or listen to anyone. Have you seen this in children’s meltdowns? In the heat of the moment many parents are worked up as well and they try to work things out with a child who is an emotional mess.

During these times it might be best to first deal with the emotion and show

compassion by holding up an “emotional mirror”. This means we simply reflect

what we see in children’s tone and body language. Rather than ignore, minimize or

deny negative emotions, it is more important for parents to allow their children to

express them and then to affirm those feelings. “You look angry”,

“You are disappointed”, and “That is a pretty strong word” are just three ways to

affirm a child’s emotion. When a child is emotional, it is an ideal time for bonding

and connection. Labeling an emotion is also a powerful way for young children to

better understand what they are feeling, and learn to control their emotions as they

get older.

 

After the affirmation, parents should explore the feelings and help children manage

them. Parents may say something like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “There

might be another way of looking at this. Should we think about it together?” If a child is

upset or experiencing a strong emotion, it may be best to simply soothe and hold the

child until they are ready to talk.

I remember picking up my daughter from dance several years ago. She was maybe 8 or 9 years old at the time. She climbed in the back seat and slammed the door. She then said, “I hate dance, Dad, I don’t like my teacher or the girls in there and I’m never going back. I quit!” Ouch! I was tempted to say something snippy right back at her, such as “You are not quitting dance. We paid for you to attend dance and you will dance! And like it!” or dismissing her emotions by saying “You don’t hate dance. You are being dramatic sweetie, now knock it off and calm down”. Now how helpful would that kind of response be?

The way a parent responds to this type of situation can invite a child to express her emotions further, or close things off. So what did I end of really saying? It was something like, “Wow, honey, it sounds like you had a really rough day at dance. What happened?”

She then knew it was safe to open up and tell me more. She proceeded to tell me how some girls were laughing at her and when she went to say something to the girls, her teacher got mad at her. My initial soft response, my reflection of her feelings, let my daughter know she was cared for and I was not going to preach and criticize.

What is the principle here? Feelings must be dealt with before behavior can be improved. Fish swim, birds fly, and people feel. Preaching and criticizing create distance and resentment. Parents should respond to children’s feelings, not their behavior. A child’s feelings should be taken seriously, even though the situation may not be serious. When children feel understood, their frustration and hurt diminish. And, the CONNECTION between parents and children can be strengthened!