The Parenting Pyramid - Help Things go RIGHT

Many parents get caught in the trap of spending too much time threatening and disciplining their children and correcting them  when things go wrong. I’m guessing 70-80% of all parenting books focus primarily on what to do when things go wrong – what discipline strategy to use or what natural consequences should look like.

Now don’t get me wrong. Disciplining and correcting children is an important part of parenting, but it should not be where we spend the majority of our time. The parenting pyramid, developed by the Arbinger Institute, is a model that focuses primarily on helping things go right, rather than spending most of the time figuring out what to do when children misbehave.

 

The effectiveness of parents’ correction of children, no matter what method is used, will always depend on the effectiveness of the prior teaching of them. This is because the better parents teach their children, the less correction is needed, and when it is needed, it will be a natural extension of their teaching. Rather than seeing children as ungrateful, disobedient burdens who require correction, parents can view them instead as children who haven't learned yet. In other words, the pyramid suggests that parents should spend more time teaching than correcting.

However, no matter how much time a parent spends teaching, the fact is that children are less likely to learn from parents that they do not like! The third layer of the pyramid suggests that parents should spend more time developing a strong and loving relationship (CONNECTION) with their children, if their teaching and disciplining is not working. In summary, the effectiveness of parents’ correction will depend on the quality of their teaching, and the quality of their teaching will depend on the quality of their relationship with their children.

A few questions you might consider:

·      Am I correcting my children without teaching them?

·      What is the quality of my relationship with my children?

·      Do I spend more time and energy disciplining or teaching my children than strengthening my relationship with them?

·    How can I do a better job of teaching my child so I can spend less time correcting them?

·      What can I do to strengthen my relationship with my child so they are more open to teaching and correction?

Remember – CONNECTION first, correction last.