Turn TOWARD Calls for Connection

In our fast-paced busy lives we often get caught up with our never-ending “to do” list and the stress and demands of work leave us tired and cranky. The result is little energy and motivation for emotional connection with our kids or spouse. In fact, research tells us that most relationships that end are more likely do so as a result of “burn out” rather than a sudden “blowout.” They slowly erode over time like a crusted battery that is neglected for years. The fact is, without consistent conscious connection we will inevitably experience a natural drift to isolation and loneliness.

Daily emotional connections are similar to adding a small cup of water to your relationship connection “pool.” Perhaps each one doesn’t do much at the time, but they sure add up over weeks, months, and years. Research shows that there are some things you can do to intentionally strengthen your emotional connection – or add cups of connection to your relationship pool. In fact, one of THE strongest predictors of whether a relationship will last or not depends on how our partners’ respond to our “Calls for Connection.”

Simply put, calls for connection (or attention, or affection, etc.) are things couples (and kids) say or do when they want to interact - they want to connect. For example, one person may something very basic like, “Honey, did you see the new movies that Redbox has?”. Now this is a very simple, yet common, question that is asked. These types of questions and interactions happen all the time! But a closer look at how the other person responds makes all the difference. Essentially there are only 3 ways to respond to a call for connection.

1.    The person can “turn away” as scholar John Gottman puts it. This is basically ignoring the other person’s call for connection. He/she might be looking at their phone, watching TV, or pretend like they are listening (yikes! Like sometimes I do!) and grunt or give a “hmm” response. Turns out this type of response isn’t helpful – no surprises here.

2.    Another option is the person can “turn against” the call for connection. An example might be, “No way we are renting any more stupid movies. You always pick boring ones and you NEVER return them on time so we’re always charged for 5 or 6 days!.” Ouch! This is obviously not helpful for the relationship and does nothing but weaken the emotional connection…if there is one.

3.    The best response, termed “turning toward” the call for connection might sound something like, “I didn’t see what they got in. Should we rent one this weekend?”.

Now this idea and these three response options seem simple enough, but guess what? Research shows turning toward has a PROFOUND effect! In one study by Gottman showed that couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turned toward” their partners’ calls for connection 33% of the time, while couples who were still together after six years had “turned toward” the calls for emotional connection 87% of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs. This is HUGE!

These types of interactions happen hundreds of times per day. In one study, observers saw more than 100 calls for connection during one dinner time conversation for a family! We constantly interact with others, yet these simple threads of interactions are what come together to make strong cords of emotional connection.

So what? The next time your partner (or child) asks a question, reaches out to hold your hand, or tells you about something that happened, put down the phone, turn off the TV, and turn toward them and recognize that as a call for connection. They want YOU. And when you turn toward their call for connection, you end up strengthening your relationship connection pool – you just added a cup of connection!