Turn TOWARD Calls for Connection

In our fast-paced busy lives we often get caught up with our never-ending “to do” list and the stress and demands of work leave us tired and cranky. The result is little energy and motivation for emotional connection with our kids or spouse. In fact, research tells us that most relationships that end are more likely do so as a result of “burn out” rather than a sudden “blowout.” They slowly erode over time like a crusted battery that is neglected for years. The fact is, without consistent conscious connection we will inevitably experience a natural drift to isolation and loneliness.

Daily emotional connections are similar to adding a small cup of water to your relationship connection “pool.” Perhaps each one doesn’t do much at the time, but they sure add up over weeks, months, and years. Research shows that there are some things you can do to intentionally strengthen your emotional connection – or add cups of connection to your relationship pool. In fact, one of THE strongest predictors of whether a relationship will last or not depends on how our partners’ respond to our “Calls for Connection.”

Simply put, calls for connection (or attention, or affection, etc.) are things couples (and kids) say or do when they want to interact - they want to connect. For example, one person may something very basic like, “Honey, did you see the new movies that Redbox has?”. Now this is a very simple, yet common, question that is asked. These types of questions and interactions happen all the time! But a closer look at how the other person responds makes all the difference. Essentially there are only 3 ways to respond to a call for connection.

1.    The person can “turn away” as scholar John Gottman puts it. This is basically ignoring the other person’s call for connection. He/she might be looking at their phone, watching TV, or pretend like they are listening (yikes! Like sometimes I do!) and grunt or give a “hmm” response. Turns out this type of response isn’t helpful – no surprises here.

2.    Another option is the person can “turn against” the call for connection. An example might be, “No way we are renting any more stupid movies. You always pick boring ones and you NEVER return them on time so we’re always charged for 5 or 6 days!.” Ouch! This is obviously not helpful for the relationship and does nothing but weaken the emotional connection…if there is one.

3.    The best response, termed “turning toward” the call for connection might sound something like, “I didn’t see what they got in. Should we rent one this weekend?”.

Now this idea and these three response options seem simple enough, but guess what? Research shows turning toward has a PROFOUND effect! In one study by Gottman showed that couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turned toward” their partners’ calls for connection 33% of the time, while couples who were still together after six years had “turned toward” the calls for emotional connection 87% of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs. This is HUGE!

These types of interactions happen hundreds of times per day. In one study, observers saw more than 100 calls for connection during one dinner time conversation for a family! We constantly interact with others, yet these simple threads of interactions are what come together to make strong cords of emotional connection.

So what? The next time your partner (or child) asks a question, reaches out to hold your hand, or tells you about something that happened, put down the phone, turn off the TV, and turn toward them and recognize that as a call for connection. They want YOU. And when you turn toward their call for connection, you end up strengthening your relationship connection pool – you just added a cup of connection!

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Avoid Stepping in Puddles

As we weave our way down the highway of life it is inevitable that we will experience some difficulties, ranging from occasional bumps in the road to serious tragedy and anguish.  But it’s important to take a step back and view these from different perspectives. Where do the various struggles come from?  Finding their source can help us see things more clearly.

For me it is helpful to break the challenges in life into at least 3 categories. Borrowing a scriptural term, I will call them Trials, Troubles, and Afflictions.

First, I like to think of trials as rain – we have no control when or where it rains, sometimes it just rains and we get wet. In life there are things that will happen to us simply because it is the way the world is. There are natural disasters such as earthquakes, floods, or severe winter storms that cause damage around us and sometimes to us.

Early in our marriage we discovered that my wife needed brain surgery to fix what doctors called a chiari malformation – she was basically born with a kink in her brainstem and it was causing a hole in her spinal cord. Thankfully the surgery was successful, but it was a difficult few months. For us, this was getting caught in the rain – sometimes difficulty things happen in life that we have little or no control over.

Second, in this life we will experience “afflictions” or things that others  do TO us. I remember as a graduate student walking on the sidewalk in Auburn, Alabama in the pouring rain (those from the South KNOW what a real thunderstorm is like!). I had an umbrella and as I looked ahead I saw a car drive by and swerve toward a puddle and splash a student who was walking on the sidewalk. Poor guy was absolutely drenched from head to toe– what a meanie!  If trials are rain, then afflictions are represented by people who splash us on purpose. Sometimes in life we will bump up against people who do unkind things to us or those we love. If this is serious enough, it is common to see examples on the news.

Finally, there are sometimes messes we get into because of the poor choices we make – I call these troubles. I use the analogy of us walking down a wet rainy street and stepping in the puddles on purpose!  With our shoes wet and our socks soggy we trudge along and become miserable. Let’s face it, walking around in wet socks and shoes is the worst. But even the best of us occasionally do things we shouldn’t, even if it looks fun (puddles look fun to jump in as kids, right!?) or we don’t realize the yucky feeling afterwards.

What does all of this have to do with connections? No matter what we are experiencing in life, trials, troubles, or afflictions, they are often easier to cope with when we have someone to help us through it. Our family watched the funny movie, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” and I love the lines at the end when the voiceover says something to the effect of “sometimes you just have a bad day, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But no matter how bad your day, it’s not as bad when you have family to help you through it.”

Takeaway lesson? Avoid stepping in puddles on purpose, take an umbrella when it might rain, and draw on your close connections when you get wet, and reach out to others when they get wet. They might just need your umbrella...and soggy socks are the worst.

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Opposition in all things...Real versus False Connections

An article from Times magazine notes that genealogy, or exploring your family history, is the second most popular hobby next to gardening. Even more telling, these sites happen to be the second most visited category of websites. The most visited category of websites? Pornography.  While both categories boast  billion-dollar industries, I think the irony is actually very telling.

Think about it. Pornography, in my opinion (and research continues to back this up), is all about creating false connections with pictures – mere objects, activates more areas in the brain as cocaine (and not surprisingly just as addictive), and often results in the loss of the crucial emotional connections between spouses. On the polar opposite, millions of people spend countless hours online, sifting through records at libraries and courthouses, visiting cemeteries, and researching and connecting with their ancestors, finding pictures, and experience the thrill of reading personal accounts of relatives.

The same Times article reports,  “The great irony is that many Americans — particularly those who were several generations removed from the immigrant experience — were trying to find personal meaning in their ancestry long after their heritage ceased to play a meaningful role in their lives”.

Life really is about meaningful connections – and choices. We have choices to invest our time, such as those who are researching their ancestors, or spend our time chasing false connections. However, even most of those chasing false connections online have a desire deep down to have a meaningful emotion connection, but the way of going about it is all backwards.  How, where, and with whom we invest our time is an indicator of our desires for deep personal connection.

Several years ago I listened to a talk by a man who had worked at a bank for nearly two decades. He said that he was able to detect a counterfeit bill by the way that it felt. Wow! How was he able to do that? It was because he had handled the real thing for almost 20 years. He knew what real money felt like in his hands and because he was so familiar and associated himself with the read deal, he could tell almost instantly what was fake

The same thing holds true for relationship connections. Surrounding ourselves with positive people - real connections - we are able to readily recognize the opposite, whether it's an unhealthy relationship with a real person or a virtual counterfeit connection with pornography.

While I have no proof, I get the feeling that the people visiting the genealogy websites are not the same people visiting the pornography sites. Indulging in pornography is like devouring a massive wand of cotton candy. It’s temporarily delicious and exciting, but ultimately leaves you feeling hollow and empty, only momentarily satisfying the much deeper longing to belong, which is only possible through heartfelt human, not virtual, connection. There really is an opposition in all things. As humans we NEED connection with others, but how we go about it makes all the difference.

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What Advice Do Empty-Nest Parents Have to Share About Parenting?

Let's say you are planning your first trip to Hawaii. Wouldn't you want to do some searching online about Hawaii? Who would you talk with to find out what you would need to see and do on your trip? I've seen several posts from friends on Facebook that ask this same question - and there are always several comments from people who have "been there, done that." It makes complete sense to talk with and learn from others who have actually been there.

I think the same concept applies to parenting. Doesn't it make sense to talk with other parents and find out what they are doing and how it works? I think we can learn quite a bit from empty-nest parents--parents who have launched their children and now can look back on what they did, and perhaps wish they did.

So I did exactly that! I surveyed more than 500 empty-nest parents all over the country to find out more about their experiences of parenting. What could I, and countless other parents, learn about parenting so we can improve NOW, before our kids grow up and move away? For starters, 46% said that parenting was "more difficult" or "much more difficult" than they expected. They're right, parenting is tough stuff!
 
The actual study goes into much more detail than I can share here, but I will highlight a few things from my research. One of my burning questions was this: "Looking back, it is common for most parents to have a few regrets, or wish they had done a few things differently if they could do it all over again. If you could go back, what do you wish you could do differently?"
 
By far, the most common response was wishing they were more patient with their kids. One parent wrote, "I regret losing my temper when I was tired or stressed - should have made myself calm down before tackling their behavior." Another parent shared this, "Don't be negative to them. Don't dwell on failures or mistakes."
 
The second most common response was wishing they spent more time with their kids. One parent wrote, "I wish that I would have spent more time with them while I had them at home....I just wish I had done more with them and 'forgot' about work more often." Several empty-nesters remarked that the time goes way too fast and to enjoy them at every stage.
 
Finally, many empty-nest parents wished they would have spent more time improving their knowledge about parenting. One parent put it this way: "I wish I had all of the great parenting resources that exist today and had absorbed it all well enough to recognize some things that I missed." Another empty-nester said,  "I wish I had realized the benefit of parenting education then."

A few other highlights from my research:

• Spend time making memories, going on outings, mini-vacations
• Enjoy the small and simple moments
• Set a positive example
• Love them, love them, love them
• Don't give up - take a timeout for yourself occasionally

And I really like what this empty-nest parent had to say: "We were a pretty serious family. We should have not taken everything so seriously, and had a little more fun."

Wow! I completely agree. Sometimes I find myself taking everything too serious. It's SO important to slow down and be silly once in awhile. Here's one of those moments in the Schramm fam from a few years ago.

Notice how most of what empty-nest parents are saying has to do with building strong meaningful connections with their kiddos. It takes time, and it's hard work, but life really is all about connections!

Let me quickly flip things around. What if you ARE AN EMPTY-NEST PARENT NOW? There are still many ways to create connections with your children. A few years ago my birthday was around the corner and so I called my parents to tell them what I wanted for my upcoming birthday. I wanted them to each write me a letter, but not just any type of letter. I wanted them to think of this letter as the last letter that they would write to me in this life. In other words, I wanted to hear what they had to tell me, as if it was the last things they would ever say.

Although both of my parents are still alive (I love them like crazy!!), I treasure these letters, and will for as long as I live. You just never know what tomorrow will bring - they could be gone and I wouldn't have these letters. So if you are reading this and your children are grown and have moved on. Take some time to write them a letter, as if it was the last things you would ever tell them. Share your love and share from your heart what you want them to know and always remember. It will mean the world to them, I promise!

I took the opportunity recently to write letters to my oldest two daughters. The purpose of these letters was first, to let them know how much I loved them, and second, to share my hopes and dreams for them as they grow up. Wow! What a challenge, but a great experience.  I highly encourage parents who have teenagers to write a similar letter. Let them know what you want for them, why you do the things you do now, and let them know how much you love and support them. This is another great way to strengthen the base of the parenting pyramid (see previous post) - the parent-child relationship!

If you are interested in learning more about what I discovered from the empty-nest parent study I conducted, I would be more than happy to email you all the details as we get them analyzed. Shoot me an email! schrammdg@missouri.edu

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Hershey Kiss Connection Challenge!

Valentines Day is right around the corner. For many couples it's an exciting time of year. For others, it can be downright painful. Yet others find themselves not knowing quite what to do or where to go to eat to "WOW" their sweetheart.

While holidays can be times to share love in BIG ways, research actually shows that couples who find small and simple ways to connect frequently during the "off-holiday" times are much happier in the long run, compared to couples who occasionally experience big "bursts" of connection. 

There are many small and simple ways to connect with each other, which add cups to your "connection pool" (see my first blog post ever). For example, you might try buying a bag of Hershey's kisses for the Hershey Kiss Connection Challenge. It's a simple idea really. Take one out of the bag for you and share the rest with others. The goal is to share "kisses" with people as a way to strengthen your connection (relationship). You might write a specific compliment or simply "I love you!" on a sticky note or card with a Hershey kiss for him/her. Write several of these and put them where your sweetheart will see them. You can also give them away to anyone you meet! Life is sweeter with a little chocolate!

This also works great with kids! We have placed a Hershey kiss or other treat in their lunch with a little note. It's amazing what a little "kiss" can do! It's simply another way of adding a cup of connection to your connection pool you have with your kids. There are countless ways to do this. Another simple way is by placing your kids' laundry on their bed with a Hershey kiss on top, with an optional note as well. These are great ways of strengthening the foundation of the parenting-pyramid (see previous post on Parenting Pyramid).

My wife dropped by my work today unannounced (it wasn't a holiday!) just to bring a treat and chat. Totally made my day! Small and simple way of adding a cup of connection to our relationship pool to make it deeper.

It took me several years of marriage before I realized that my wife wasn't a big fan of receiving flowers or chocolates on Valentines Day. She would MUCH rather have me surprise her with flowers and treats on days that she didn't expect (CAUTION: your sweetheart might love - and expect - big surprises on Valentines Day, and that's just fine. Learn and follow what he/she prefers!). The point is that happy couples find small and simple ways to connect each day - a note, a hug, a compliment, expressing gratitude, helping out, or even a small Hershey kiss shows that you are thinking of him/her.

So have a great Valentines Day, but remember that one big BANG is like adding a pitcher full of connection to your connection pool, whereas adding daily cups of connection add up much faster over time. Life is about connections! Strengthen them one cup at a time ;)

 

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Hold Up an Emotional Mirror

Research shows that when children (and adults) are experiencing a strong emotion (fear, anger, sadness, stress, etc.) it is very difficult to learn anything or listen to anyone. Have you seen this in children’s meltdowns? In the heat of the moment many parents are worked up as well and they try to work things out with a child who is an emotional mess.

During these times it might be best to first deal with the emotion and show

compassion by holding up an “emotional mirror”. This means we simply reflect

what we see in children’s tone and body language. Rather than ignore, minimize or

deny negative emotions, it is more important for parents to allow their children to

express them and then to affirm those feelings. “You look angry”,

“You are disappointed”, and “That is a pretty strong word” are just three ways to

affirm a child’s emotion. When a child is emotional, it is an ideal time for bonding

and connection. Labeling an emotion is also a powerful way for young children to

better understand what they are feeling, and learn to control their emotions as they

get older.

 

After the affirmation, parents should explore the feelings and help children manage

them. Parents may say something like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “There

might be another way of looking at this. Should we think about it together?” If a child is

upset or experiencing a strong emotion, it may be best to simply soothe and hold the

child until they are ready to talk.

I remember picking up my daughter from dance several years ago. She was maybe 8 or 9 years old at the time. She climbed in the back seat and slammed the door. She then said, “I hate dance, Dad, I don’t like my teacher or the girls in there and I’m never going back. I quit!” Ouch! I was tempted to say something snippy right back at her, such as “You are not quitting dance. We paid for you to attend dance and you will dance! And like it!” or dismissing her emotions by saying “You don’t hate dance. You are being dramatic sweetie, now knock it off and calm down”. Now how helpful would that kind of response be?

The way a parent responds to this type of situation can invite a child to express her emotions further, or close things off. So what did I end of really saying? It was something like, “Wow, honey, it sounds like you had a really rough day at dance. What happened?”

She then knew it was safe to open up and tell me more. She proceeded to tell me how some girls were laughing at her and when she went to say something to the girls, her teacher got mad at her. My initial soft response, my reflection of her feelings, let my daughter know she was cared for and I was not going to preach and criticize.

What is the principle here? Feelings must be dealt with before behavior can be improved. Fish swim, birds fly, and people feel. Preaching and criticizing create distance and resentment. Parents should respond to children’s feelings, not their behavior. A child’s feelings should be taken seriously, even though the situation may not be serious. When children feel understood, their frustration and hurt diminish. And, the CONNECTION between parents and children can be strengthened!

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Make Time for 9!

Make Time for 9!

When I teach parenting workshops, parents tend to really love this information. Again, the point is to help things go right. If you are familiar with the previous post on the Parenting Pyramid, you can see that this concept aims at strengthening the bottom level of the pyramid - the CONNECTION between parents and children.

 

Let’s take a look at each of these 9’s.

• First, research shows that children need 8-12 (9)meaningful (safe) touches every day to feel connected to a parent. These can be as simple as a pat on the back, a fist bump, a hug, or even playful wrestling with a child. If a child is going through a tough time, they could use even more meaningful touches. We are wired to connect with each other and meaningful touch helps with attachment, trust, healing, and health. For example, in one research study preterm newborns who received just three 15-minute sessions of touch therapy each day for 5-10 days gained 47 percent more weight than premature infants who only received standard medical treatment!

• 9 minutes that matter – the first 3 minutes after children wake up; the first 3 minutes after coming home from school, child care, etc.; the last 3 minutes of the day – before they go to bed (reading, song, snuggle, words, calm). If parents work during these times, make the first and last minutes with the child count. Make those moments special and help children feel loved. These moments can be easily rushed by parents who are busy, running late, tired, or distracted. Children of all ages need parents to slow down, look them in the eyes, and talk with them or ask questions. But they are important moments for children and they often reach out for connection during these 9 minutes.

For example, I love to spend a few minutes snuggling in my 9 year old daughter’s bed the first thing in the morning. It sets the tone for the day and instead of yelling and rushing her to get up, I try to enjoy the first few minutes of the day with her.

•  9 minutes of conversation – depending on age, children need at least 9 total minutes of “face time” with a parent (eye-to-eye). It may be 9 minutes straight, or a minute here and there. Infants especially need to look into their parents’ eyes and connect so attachments can be strengthened. It is important for parents to understand that even babies need to be talked to – it doesn’t matter what we say. Teenagers also need a good 9 minutes of interaction with a parent, to keep the lines of communication open.

Creating meaningful connections doesn’t take big chunks of time. It’s often the small and simple things that build strong connections over time.

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The Parenting Pyramid - Help Things go RIGHT

Many parents get caught in the trap of spending too much time threatening and disciplining their children and correcting them  when things go wrong. I’m guessing 70-80% of all parenting books focus primarily on what to do when things go wrong – what discipline strategy to use or what natural consequences should look like.

Now don’t get me wrong. Disciplining and correcting children is an important part of parenting, but it should not be where we spend the majority of our time. The parenting pyramid, developed by the Arbinger Institute, is a model that focuses primarily on helping things go right, rather than spending most of the time figuring out what to do when children misbehave.

 

The effectiveness of parents’ correction of children, no matter what method is used, will always depend on the effectiveness of the prior teaching of them. This is because the better parents teach their children, the less correction is needed, and when it is needed, it will be a natural extension of their teaching. Rather than seeing children as ungrateful, disobedient burdens who require correction, parents can view them instead as children who haven't learned yet. In other words, the pyramid suggests that parents should spend more time teaching than correcting.

However, no matter how much time a parent spends teaching, the fact is that children are less likely to learn from parents that they do not like! The third layer of the pyramid suggests that parents should spend more time developing a strong and loving relationship (CONNECTION) with their children, if their teaching and disciplining is not working. In summary, the effectiveness of parents’ correction will depend on the quality of their teaching, and the quality of their teaching will depend on the quality of their relationship with their children.

A few questions you might consider:

·      Am I correcting my children without teaching them?

·      What is the quality of my relationship with my children?

·      Do I spend more time and energy disciplining or teaching my children than strengthening my relationship with them?

·    How can I do a better job of teaching my child so I can spend less time correcting them?

·      What can I do to strengthen my relationship with my child so they are more open to teaching and correction?

Remember – CONNECTION first, correction last.

 

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PERMA

For decades psychologists were stuck in a rut of focusing primarily on the negative in both their research and their practice – much of that centered on treating and preventing depression and anxiety. But around 1998, Professor Martin Seligman changed all of that. He shook the field as he promoted positivity and flourishing. When he became the President of the American Psychological Association, he chose “positive psychology” as his theme (great TED talk HERE ).

Rather than merely treating mental illness and stepping in when things went wrong, Seligman was bound on fostering well-being and discovering how to help things go right. In short, he was tired of reading and hearing about all of the negativity and wanted, rather, to scientifically discover what made up the “good life”. 

Over the years, positive psychology labs have sprung up across the nation to study happiness and well-being and their discoveries are jaw dropping – happiness, and I’m talking genuine, authentic happiness, is the natural result of appreciating the joys in life and actively constructing our well-being – even when we our bombarded with negativity.

 His well-being theory can be summarized with the acronym PERMA:

1.      Positive Emotion – these positive emotions can stem from the small and simple things in life such as devouring a bowl of your favorite ice cream (my favorite), enjoying a comedy on television, camping in the outdoors, spending time with family and friends, or exercising. Doing fun and enjoyable things is important in life and it makes us feel better inside.

2.      Engagement – Seligman often refers to this as “Flow”. This occurs when we lose track of time as we do something we love. This could be getting a back rub, playing the piano, reading a good book,  or using our talents to create something.

3.      Relationships – positive relationships are at the core of well-being. Seligman has said “Other people are the best antidote to the downs in life and the single most reliable up”. The purpose of this blog is to promote positive relationships!

4.      Meaning – belonging to or participating in a higher cause, or serving something you believe is larger than yourself. For some this is tied to spirituality or religion. For others it is a political cause, a charity, or raising a family.

5.      Accomplishment/Achievement –  striving to better ourselves in some way by working hard at a skill, achieving a goal or winning a competition or game. Setting our sights on something and dedicating time and attention to accomplishing something is good for the soul.

Becoming aware of PERMA helps us better understand that instead of focusing on happiness alone, we can have a rich meaningful life by balancing what we do and pursue in life. Of course this blog will focus primarily on the “R”, RELATIONSHIPS.

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Life is about connections...

Life is about connections. As a professor at Mizzou I am currently in the process of asking people two basic questions. First, I want to know what people say when asked, "To me, life is all about______________". And second I want to know what people will miss the most if they were to die tomorrow. So far it is clear that the majority report that life is about happiness. And what will people miss most? Family.

So why this blog? A wise and wonderful friend and mentor named Wally Goddard once told me early in my academic career, "There are primarily two types of writers. Those who write to impress, and those who write to bless. Choose carefully". I hope to be able to write to bless.

I have been blessed with amazing connections in my life, from my beautiful and kind wife and spunky kids, to my loving humble parents, four older sisters, and a younger brother. Other connections include supportive friends, colleagues, students, mentors and religious leaders. There are countless other connections-people who have influenced me for good, and I treasure these connections and relationships.

My job is the best. I get to learn about marriage, family, and other relationships then go teach this stuff to students at school. I also get to do research on whatever I want. But my favorite part of what I do is taking the research I do and learn about, and putting the principles and programs into practice  by presenting it in meaningful ways to people, including teachers, professionals, parents, couples, teenagers, and others. I love to share information that can improve relationships, the CONNECTIONS  we have with those who mean the most to us.

So why "Cup of Connection"? Most meaningful connections don't start out deep and meaningful. They often start because we have something in common with another person. Even the happiest marriages are made of two people who at one point never knew about or cared for each other. Pools are meant to hold water. I see meaningful relationships and connections like pools, some are more full than others. As we interact in positive ways with those who mean the most to us, we are creating deeper pools of connection. But this happens gradually, cup by cup.

Occasionally we get to have earth-shattering experiences that draw us together, and that may be like dumping an entire pitcher of water in our pools of connection. At other times we experience droughts in our relationships with others - no water is added and some evaporates during tough times. In fact, some connections, including marriages, are really shallow, and only a thimble full of water (meaningful connection) is added on occasion, while the pool is more like a puddle that gradually evaporates over time.

The aim of this blog is to share information I have learned from research and life experience simply as a way to promote deep and meaningful connections. If I can help others add cups of connection to their relationship pools, I have succeeded. And my hope is that I write to bless.

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