Deepen Your Pool of Connection with SPARCH ("Spark")

The last post discussed what PARCHeS relationships – or some reasons emotional connections go from pools to puddles. This post will focus on ways to deepen the relationship pool and the answer actually involves rearranging the same letters as PARCHS to form the word SPARCH ("Spark" J). Each of these get at the heart of helping things go right in relationships. They each add cups of connection to your relationship pool of connection. Notice how each of the following are about “turning out”, by focusing on others instead of “turning in” and thinking and protecting yourself.

S – stands for Service. One of the fastest and best ways to add cups of connection to your relationship pool is simply to serve. There is something about doing something kind for someone else that seems to melt away hard feelings. Serving draws us closer to others more quickly than almost anything else I know. Perhaps one of my most favorite quotes on service is simply, “first observe, then serve.”

Serving our spouse allows us to escape the bitter feelings we may have towards them. In his book, The Heart of Commitment, Scott Stanley says, “Sacrifice [and service are] the highest expressions of dedicated, loving action because it asks you to show by your actions that you really mean it when you say you are committed.” (p. 193)

The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our expressions of love and commitment mean little if our spouse doesn’t feel they are sincere. Simple acts of service are one of the best ways we can show our sincerity. By putting their needs and wants in front of our own, we can show them how much they matter to us. This week, actively look for ways to serve your spouse. There might be a chore you can do that is normally their responsibility. See what happens, then notice the cup of connection you just poured into your relationship pool.

P – stands for Positivity. There has been an explosion of research in the past two decades on positivity and positive psychology, and for good reason! Science tells us that the human brain receives 11 million pieces of information every second from our environment, but can only process 40 bits per second. That means we have to choose what we focus on and what to dismiss or ignore. In other words, your reality is a choice – what you choose to focus on shapes how you perceive and interpret your world. So there is a tradeoff, I can think about more negatives, and as a result, the less positives I see, OR I change my mindset and focus on the positives.

A story has been told about a couple where occasionally the husband got irritated and complained about his wife’s faults. Finally she got tired of being criticized and declared, “You know, you have faults, too!” The husband replied, “Yes. But they don’t bother me like yours do!” One of the realities of marriage is that over time we become very familiar with our spouse’s faults. No matter how much you love your spouse, no matter how solid your friendship, no matter how fiercely loyal you are, you cannot help but notice their mistakes, shortcomings and failings.

But something wonderful happens when we change our mindset and focus on the positive. It is simply this: while we are well aware of their shortcomings, we do not DWELL on them. In other words, “be aware”, but “don’t compare” your spouse to others or yourself. Rather, we recognize we have things we need to work on too, so we see things in the context of the positive.  Focus on the 80-90% you really love about your spouse, not the 10-20% that drives you nuts.

Wally Goddard, a dear friend and mentor taught that we can increase the amount of positive emotions we feel by finding aspects of our past, present, and future to appreciate and savor. We can remember the good things that have happened in our past and choose to rewrite the negative memories with a positive theme by thinking of the good that came out of them. We can also slow down to savor and appreciate the small things in life such as our spouse’s smile, a warm sunny day, or the taste of your favorite dessert. Anticipate the possibilities of good things yet to come with a positive outlook. Besides positivity is contagious, but so is negativity. A wise former teacher explained that when we give negativity, negativity comes back quickly! But when we give positive, positive comes back slowly. Be patient, and choose to be positive with your 40 bits per second!

A – stands once again for Attitude. Just as a negative attitude repels others from wanting to get close, a warm, engaging, patient, cheerful, and supportive attitude is inviting. We can choose to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt rather than be suspicious. Our attitude, while being susceptible to influence by others, our prior experience, and our environment (see H.A.L.T. in previous post), is ultimately a matter of choice. This can be difficult because our brains are actually wired to notice and point out mistakes. But when you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities you will have more opportunities for connection.

We have all heard the cliché phrase, “an attitude of gratitude.” Research actually shows that choosing to feel grateful for not only what you have in your life, but more importantly who you have in your life, and expressing that gratitude to them, increases happiness. If you haven’t seen THIS youtube clip on gratitude, it’s definitely worth your time.

Finally, learn to live with things that cannot change. Be glad you can bring qualities your spouse does not have and be glad they can bring some too. Focus and talk about the wonderful things you enjoy about your spouse, especially when you are around others. Refrain from becoming a “complain monster”, which leads to dipping from your relationship pool. Choose to be positive and grateful.

R – stands for Response. Just as our response and attitude can dip water from our relationship pool, a positive response to calls for connection (see post on Turning Toward Calls for Connection) make a world of difference. Our attitudes begin with the condition of our hearts, which lead to thoughts, then actions. A positive attitude doesn’t let feelings of “fairness” get in the way of happiness. When a spouse irritates you, resist the urge to make things "fair" by RESPONDING the same way. Rather, irritation is an invitation to slow down and see things from their perspective. Our attitude, or how we feel about a situation really is up to us. It’s vital that we slow down and remember that in the big picture, people are more important than problems, projects, and profits.

C – stands for Compassion. A good friend and mentor, Wally Goddard wrote the following: “Sometimes we spend too much time conducting investigations and holding court in our relationships. We worry about who started a problem and who deserves the blame. We can get stuck in blame and recrimination. When mistakes are made in our relationships, we can choose NOT to get stuck. We can choose to offer compassion and forgiveness to ourselves and our partners. We can invite compassion and forgiveness from our partner by apologizing. The next time one of you blunders in your relationship, take a deep breath and go looking for your compassion. Accept that both of you are human and will inevitably make mistakes. Offer compassion to your partner and ask for forgiveness for your mistakes.”

Some of my favorite Christmas movies include “A Christmas Carol” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Both are tales that are excellent examples of moving from PARCHeS to SPARCH. Notice how these stories reflect each element from both acronyms. Both characters were Prideful, with negative Attitudes that led to being irritable with others and Responding gruffly with people. Each character got stuck in murky depths of Competition and Hostility. But something miraculous happened that transformed them from the inside out. They each, in their own unique way saw others from a different perspective. This new outlook not only changed their actions, but it changed their hearts and attitudes. As a result, Humility and Compassion filled their souls and they turned outward instead of inward by Serving others and experiencing the joy that comes from doing so. The principles from both stories offer priceless insights for happy marriages!

H – stands for Humility. If pride is the ultimate destroyer of relationship pools, then humility is the foundation of our pools.  One of the most consistent and powerful findings in Dr. John Gottman’s research on predicting happy couples was the husband’s ability to accept influence from his wife. Wow! It wasn’t his ability to craft “I” statements or his skill in reflective listening. It is his openness to being influenced, seeing things from her perspective, and considering how she might feel about the situation. Whereas pride is concerned about WHO is right, humility focuses on WHAT is right.

Humility leads to apologies, which are simply requests for reconnection. When we have done wrong, we metaphorically dip from our pool of connection, which, according to Gottman, actually results in 5 dips from our pool due to the 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity in happy marriages. It takes humility to approach our spouse. In effect, we are saying to them, “I’m so sorry I messed up. I feel distant from you and want to be close again. We lost our connection because of what I have said or done, and I’m reaching out to close the gap.”

I like this article by Scott Gornto and the way he discusses humility as the #1 important ingredient for a successful marriage. In research I have carried out with colleagues across the country, we found in our results of more than 1,500 telephone surveys, that Positivity, Compassion, and Humility predicted 46% of a person’s marital satisfaction! This is a remarkable finding! Of these three qualities of character, humility turns out to be the strongest predictor. In fact, when we looked at marital stress, we found that higher marital stress, not surprisingly, is related to lower levels of marital satisfaction, EXCEPT when humility was high. In other words, humility acts as a buffer to stress in marriage! We would do well to apply the principle in this popular saying, “To keep your relationship brimming, with love in your connection cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.” For some of the very best free resources on getting our hearts right (from University of Arkansas Extension), click HERE.

In summary, marriages offer us the opportunity to experience the greatest joys in life, but they also can be stressful and stretch us in ways that are uncomfortable. If we can focus our time and attention on the principles outlined in this post, our relationship pools will become deeper. As they become deeper the occasional negativity that happens in ALL relationships will not feel as damaging because we choose to focus on the depths of the connection formed from months and years of positive, consistent, conscious connection. I hope you remember the importance of relationship SPARCH, whether your relationship pool of connection is deep or shallow.

I would love to read your feedback and comments below!

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Connection Breakers - What PARCHeS Relationship Pools of Connection?

The last post was about “relation dehydration” – or losing water from your emotional connection pool (reading it will help make more sense out of this post). In a nutshell, the icy distance between spouses stems from one of three sources: evaporation (neglecting the relationship), dipping (negativity in the relationship), or cracks in the pool (lack of trust and/or commitment in the relationship). But what are some specific things that lead to disconnection in relationships? While there are countless thoughts, words, and actions that lead to loss of connection in relationship pools, they almost always stem from one or more of the following “Connection Breakers”.

The acronym is PARCHeS – very fitting considering what these literally do to relationships – they leave pools of emotional connection feeling shallow, empty, hollow, and dried up.

P – stands for Pride. Pride is the universal sponge that often finds its way into relationship pools. It is THEE deadly cancer in relationships and any other nasty and mean thing that spouses do to each other is ultimately a manifestation of pride.  A “me-first marriage” is rarely a happy one. If left unchecked and pride continues, it ultimately leads to pulling the plug at the bottom of the relationship pool. People who wreak of pride and arrogance literally repel others from wanting to get close to them.

A – stands for Attitude. It is difficult to feel close to someone else when a constant negative attitude is radiated. When I’m cranky and irritable sometimes even nice things my wife says or does might bug me! Negative attitudes are manifest in countless ways, some of the most hurtful include attitudes related to being sarcastic, impatient, bored, pessimistic, suspicious, irritable and critical. Impatient attitudes may result from feeling what someone has termed H.A.L.T. This stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These four buggers can easily influence our attitudes. In short, negative attitudes lead to “dipping” words and actions from the relationship pool of connection.

R – stands for Response. This one is so critical it deserves its own blog post – for another day, or review the post “Turn toward calls for connection” for a reminder. When interactions in relationships get heated, our response often matters more than the stressor itself.  Perhaps the most important part of our response to others is our TONE of voice. Tone changes everything!

Take a look at the following sentences. In your mind (or out loud J) you can only say the word “Honey” in response to each bullet. Notice how your tone and pitch in your voice (or mental voice) changes.

• You just found out your spouse received a pay raise
• Your spouse calls to tell you he/she was just rear-ended in your car
• Your spouse brings flowers or a gift home to you
• Your spouse is playing on his/her cell phone instead of listening to what you are saying (this one never happens right?)
• You were just given a great welcome-home hug and smooch from your spouse (the tone could really be different here—depending on your attitude…uh…honey?)
• You are in the bathroom and just ran out of toilet paper

Wow! You can see (and hear) how tone matters. The point is this: we CAN control how we respond to our spouse, our kids, our coworkers and our environment. We can choose to ACT, rather that REACT. Think about the last time you answered the telephone in the middle of an argument with your spouse or child. You immediately went from harsh to pleasant! A harsh tone or response is really an invitation for the other person to either: 1) get defensive (shut down, which results in evaporation in the relationship pool) or 2) go offensive (respond right back at ya!) This results in dipping from the pool.

Relationship expert John Gottman found that when couples began a conversation with what he termed a “harsh startup”, 96% of the time the conversation would spiral out of control and it ended worse than it began So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.

C – stands for Competition and H stands for Hostility. Again, no surprise here that feelings of competition and hostility come from pride, the mother of all messes. Competition means “me against you” instead of “me and you”. And competition inevitably means a winner and a loser. Competition and hostility frequently go together. Last year my wife and I were watching our daughter’s soccer game. Just down from us was seated a man, then his father, mother, and his wife was seated on the end. Throughout the game the man and his wife would occasionally make little pokes at each other. Geez! Talk about feeling uncomfortable and awkward sitting by them. Things were getting a little heated when finally the man’s mother said, “You two need to quit this. You are on the same team!”. Then the man launched a grenade into their relationship pool (I’m certain it was more like a puddle) when he said the following in a sarcastic tone, “I don’t want a loser on my team!”. Ouch! The feeling of competition with each other, trying to out-do each other led to hostility and relationship grenades!

Competition almost always leads to contention and hostility, which leads to dipping from the pool of emotional connection. John Gottman found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling were sure signs that relationships were cascading toward a waterfall of destruction if left unchanged.  Unfortunately it also leads to evaporation – who wants to add cups of connection to their pool when they are feeling like they are on opposing teams? Remember marriage is not a contest - never keep score!

S – stands for Stress and Selfishness. Research studies show that when people feel stressed, they turn inward and basically lose the ability to have empathy and compassion. It’s difficult to feel close or even want to feel close to your spouse when you are stressed out. It is not uncommon for stressed spouses to focus only on the negative and the problems in the relationship. But remember this: when you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities you will have more opportunities (for connection).

Research also shows that we generally like and admire about 80% of our spouse, while 20% might bother us occasionally or sometimes just downright drive us nuts. However, when we feel stress in the relationship, the 20% that we don’t care for all of a sudden FEELS like 80% and we focus on that. We talk to others about it. We complain about it. We dwell on it. It’s a vicious cycle that pulls us down. Hidden feelings of selfishness combined with toxic stress all scream that the problem is THEM! If they would only change! Even worse, we may experience a “loyalty leak” in our pool of connection as we start admiring others around us and notice that the woman/man at work listens to us, appreciates us, and laughs at our jokes. We may even think to ourselves that we like 100% of this “other person”, not realizing that we all have our own 20% that bugs others.

I think there is truth in this quote about selfishness, “Every divorce is the result of selfishness on the part of one or the other or both parties to a marriage contract. Someone is thinking of self-comforts, conveniences, freedoms, luxuries, or ease.” – Spencer Kimball.

Wow! Talk about a depressing post! So that’s what research shows dries, or PARCHeS relationships. Most relationship issues stem, in some way, back to one or more of these areas. Take another look at PARCHeS. What do each of the words have in common? They all focus INWARD – it’s about ME, rather than WE. They are concerned about WHO is right, not about WHAT is right. Stay tuned for the next post about Connection Makers – the cure for a PARCHed relationship! Better yet, subscribe to the blog and you'll be notified when it comes out. ;)

I would love to know what you think. Leave me a comment below!

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Have You Experienced Relation-Dehydration?

One of the most common experiences most every couple will go through will be feeling like they are in a rut—they  feel bored and the excitement of earlier years is now lost in the mundane routines of life, kids, work, and housework. Following the theme of this blog, relationship connection and closeness is analogous to a swimming pool. The size and depth of the pool depends on how many and how frequently you add “cups of connection” to your pool.

As a reminder, cups of connection are symbolic, and can be added to your relationship pool by doing and saying positive things that draw you closer together. These can be small and simple things like eating a bowl of ice cream together while talking about your day, or going on a walk together. Simply sending a text message telling your spouse how much you love them or leaving them a note in the bathroom or in their car with a favorite treat are also ways of adding cups of connection to your relationship pool.

In the early years of being together, most couples are pretty good at doing little things for each other: going on regular dates, and putting effort and creativity into showing their spouse they love them. This is like adding 20-25 cups of connection into the relationship pool daily. Granted, most couples start with a kiddie pool that isn’t too deep yet. But over time, couples who regularly add cups of connection to their pool find that their kiddie pool has expanded into a larger and deeper pool. But over time, we don't seem to add as many cups of connection as often.

Let’s stop here and think about 3 ways that a pool loses water. First is evaporation. If you put some water in a kiddie pool in your backyard at the beginning of summer and never added water for three months, what would you end up with at the end of summer? (besides a ring of dead grass underneath). Depending on how hot the summer was, most of the water would have probably evaporated. This is true for any relationship. Over time, we lose connection with friends from high school, college, friends who move away, and even family members who we don’t see or talk with much.

The sad truth is this: without consistent conscious connections, we will inevitably experience a natural drift to isolation and loneliness. In relationship terms, I call it “Relation-dehydration.” You don’t have to be mean and nasty in relationships (aka “dipping”, which is next) for them to deteriorate. All you have to do is NOTHING. It’s like trying to walk up an escalator that is coming down. It takes consistent effort and if we give up and say “this is useless” then we slowly get carried down the escalator until we hit rock bottom – and that’s where couples either emotionally divorce and stay together for the kids (or other reasons) or emotionally and physically divorce altogether.

The second way a pool might lose water is from Dipping. Dipping occurs by taking the cup you were using to add to the pool and, instead, use it to dip water out of the pool of connection. This happens in ALL couples from time to time. Examples include saying something snarky or sarcastic to your spouse, criticizing, name-calling, yelling, or doing mean and spiteful things on purpose to injure them (emotionally or physically). John Gottman found that happy couples had a pouring (positive) to dipping (negative) ratio of 5:1, meaning they were doing 5 times as many positive things for each other as negative. But notice that even happy couples occasionally said or did mean things. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, have a 1.2:1 ratio, or basically an even ratio of positive to negative.

The third way swimming pools may lose water over time is through cracks in the pool. Cracks represent “loyalty leaks” that stem from broken commitments, loss of trust, and other experiences where individuals feel “burned” by something the other said or did. These can range from broken promises to cheating on their spouse. The size of the leak depends on how serious the other partner views it. Cracks in relationship pools, like real swimming pools, are difficult to fix, and can take work and even therapy to mend. Simply adding cups of connection to a pool that has serious cracks in the bottom won’t fill the pool up.

 Again, it’s critically important to understand that ALL couples experience relation-dehydration from time to time. Similarly, ALL couples experience dipping – we say mean things occasionally, we mess up, we forget instructions, even when they were explained a dozen times. But the effect these have on couples depend on the depth of the pool. If your pool is deep due to countless cups of connection, then an occasional dip won’t feel nearly as bad as when your pool is small and you take a cup or two out of it from a smart remark in a harsh tone.

Many couples also experience occasional cracks in the pool where the foundation is tested. Some couples feel like their pools are more like puddles, while others may seem to have an Olympic-sized pool!  The fact is, the depth and size of couples’ pools vary tremendously. Too often we compare the size of our pools with others, without realizing how long other couples have been together, or the trials, sickness, heartache, and other storms they have weathered together that have deepened their pool. Or the years and thousands of cups of connection that they slowly added to their pool, day by day, week after week, year after year.

So now what? What can you do when you feel like your relationship is “blah!”? You can start by focusing on the positives you see in each other. Take a look at your wedding album, pictures from fun vacations, home videos, or holidays. Talk about the memories you have about when you first met. What does this do? It actually floods your brain and body with chemicals that help cement the memories into your noggin, turns on the positive receptors, dopamine is released, and you feel better! When you feel better you are more likely to feel like doing small and simple things for each other.

You might also try establishing rituals of connection. Examples include a kiss before you leave each other, a kiss when you return, talking for a few minutes after dinner, going on a walk together, or other simple rituals that help you feel connected. The point is that you need to increase the cups of connection into your pool. I also encourage couples to celebrate big occasions in meaningful ways. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other celebrations are great ways to actually add pitchers full of connection to the relationship pool. But even a romantic getaway or week-long cruise will only add a pitcher or two of connection to your pool. These exciting times are wonderful, but the day-to-day cups of connection are how relationship pools become deeper over time—slowly but surely. But time alone will not deepen your pool. We all know couples who have been together for decades but they don’t have a close emotional connection. Perhaps their pools never were deep to begin with or they let relation-dehydration set in. Whatever the case, they drifted apart and turned into cranks! Don’t let this happen!!

Whew! The point is that it’s crucial to make time every day to add cups of connection to your relationship pool and be quick to forgive your spouse when they occasionally dip out of the pool. Focus on all the water that is still in the pool and think about ways you can add to it, not on the water that gets dipped out. Life is about connections – add a cup today! Stay tuned to for future posts about "Connection-Makers" vs. "Connection-Breakers"

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Turn TOWARD Calls for Connection

In our fast-paced busy lives we often get caught up with our never-ending “to do” list and the stress and demands of work leave us tired and cranky. The result is little energy and motivation for emotional connection with our kids or spouse. In fact, research tells us that most relationships that end are more likely do so as a result of “burn out” rather than a sudden “blowout.” They slowly erode over time like a crusted battery that is neglected for years. The fact is, without consistent conscious connection we will inevitably experience a natural drift to isolation and loneliness.

Daily emotional connections are similar to adding a small cup of water to your relationship connection “pool.” Perhaps each one doesn’t do much at the time, but they sure add up over weeks, months, and years. Research shows that there are some things you can do to intentionally strengthen your emotional connection – or add cups of connection to your relationship pool. In fact, one of THE strongest predictors of whether a relationship will last or not depends on how our partners’ respond to our “Calls for Connection.”

Simply put, calls for connection (or attention, or affection, etc.) are things couples (and kids) say or do when they want to interact - they want to connect. For example, one person may something very basic like, “Honey, did you see the new movies that Redbox has?”. Now this is a very simple, yet common, question that is asked. These types of questions and interactions happen all the time! But a closer look at how the other person responds makes all the difference. Essentially there are only 3 ways to respond to a call for connection.

1.    The person can “turn away” as scholar John Gottman puts it. This is basically ignoring the other person’s call for connection. He/she might be looking at their phone, watching TV, or pretend like they are listening (yikes! Like sometimes I do!) and grunt or give a “hmm” response. Turns out this type of response isn’t helpful – no surprises here.

2.    Another option is the person can “turn against” the call for connection. An example might be, “No way we are renting any more stupid movies. You always pick boring ones and you NEVER return them on time so we’re always charged for 5 or 6 days!.” Ouch! This is obviously not helpful for the relationship and does nothing but weaken the emotional connection…if there is one.

3.    The best response, termed “turning toward” the call for connection might sound something like, “I didn’t see what they got in. Should we rent one this weekend?”.

Now this idea and these three response options seem simple enough, but guess what? Research shows turning toward has a PROFOUND effect! In one study by Gottman showed that couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turned toward” their partners’ calls for connection 33% of the time, while couples who were still together after six years had “turned toward” the calls for emotional connection 87% of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs. This is HUGE!

These types of interactions happen hundreds of times per day. In one study, observers saw more than 100 calls for connection during one dinner time conversation for a family! We constantly interact with others, yet these simple threads of interactions are what come together to make strong cords of emotional connection.

So what? The next time your partner (or child) asks a question, reaches out to hold your hand, or tells you about something that happened, put down the phone, turn off the TV, and turn toward them and recognize that as a call for connection. They want YOU. And when you turn toward their call for connection, you end up strengthening your relationship connection pool – you just added a cup of connection!

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Avoid Stepping in Puddles

As we weave our way down the highway of life it is inevitable that we will experience some difficulties, ranging from occasional bumps in the road to serious tragedy and anguish.  But it’s important to take a step back and view these from different perspectives. Where do the various struggles come from?  Finding their source can help us see things more clearly.

For me it is helpful to break the challenges in life into at least 3 categories. Borrowing a scriptural term, I will call them Trials, Troubles, and Afflictions.

First, I like to think of trials as rain – we have no control when or where it rains, sometimes it just rains and we get wet. In life there are things that will happen to us simply because it is the way the world is. There are natural disasters such as earthquakes, floods, or severe winter storms that cause damage around us and sometimes to us.

Early in our marriage we discovered that my wife needed brain surgery to fix what doctors called a chiari malformation – she was basically born with a kink in her brainstem and it was causing a hole in her spinal cord. Thankfully the surgery was successful, but it was a difficult few months. For us, this was getting caught in the rain – sometimes difficulty things happen in life that we have little or no control over.

Second, in this life we will experience “afflictions” or things that others  do TO us. I remember as a graduate student walking on the sidewalk in Auburn, Alabama in the pouring rain (those from the South KNOW what a real thunderstorm is like!). I had an umbrella and as I looked ahead I saw a car drive by and swerve toward a puddle and splash a student who was walking on the sidewalk. Poor guy was absolutely drenched from head to toe– what a meanie!  If trials are rain, then afflictions are represented by people who splash us on purpose. Sometimes in life we will bump up against people who do unkind things to us or those we love. If this is serious enough, it is common to see examples on the news.

Finally, there are sometimes messes we get into because of the poor choices we make – I call these troubles. I use the analogy of us walking down a wet rainy street and stepping in the puddles on purpose!  With our shoes wet and our socks soggy we trudge along and become miserable. Let’s face it, walking around in wet socks and shoes is the worst. But even the best of us occasionally do things we shouldn’t, even if it looks fun (puddles look fun to jump in as kids, right!?) or we don’t realize the yucky feeling afterwards.

What does all of this have to do with connections? No matter what we are experiencing in life, trials, troubles, or afflictions, they are often easier to cope with when we have someone to help us through it. Our family watched the funny movie, “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” and I love the lines at the end when the voiceover says something to the effect of “sometimes you just have a bad day, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But no matter how bad your day, it’s not as bad when you have family to help you through it.”

Takeaway lesson? Avoid stepping in puddles on purpose, take an umbrella when it might rain, and draw on your close connections when you get wet, and reach out to others when they get wet. They might just need your umbrella...and soggy socks are the worst.

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Opposition in all things...Real versus False Connections

An article from Times magazine notes that genealogy, or exploring your family history, is the second most popular hobby next to gardening. Even more telling, these sites happen to be the second most visited category of websites. The most visited category of websites? Pornography.  While both categories boast  billion-dollar industries, I think the irony is actually very telling.

Think about it. Pornography, in my opinion (and research continues to back this up), is all about creating false connections with pictures – mere objects, activates more areas in the brain as cocaine (and not surprisingly just as addictive), and often results in the loss of the crucial emotional connections between spouses. On the polar opposite, millions of people spend countless hours online, sifting through records at libraries and courthouses, visiting cemeteries, and researching and connecting with their ancestors, finding pictures, and experience the thrill of reading personal accounts of relatives.

The same Times article reports,  “The great irony is that many Americans — particularly those who were several generations removed from the immigrant experience — were trying to find personal meaning in their ancestry long after their heritage ceased to play a meaningful role in their lives”.

Life really is about meaningful connections – and choices. We have choices to invest our time, such as those who are researching their ancestors, or spend our time chasing false connections. However, even most of those chasing false connections online have a desire deep down to have a meaningful emotion connection, but the way of going about it is all backwards.  How, where, and with whom we invest our time is an indicator of our desires for deep personal connection.

Several years ago I listened to a talk by a man who had worked at a bank for nearly two decades. He said that he was able to detect a counterfeit bill by the way that it felt. Wow! How was he able to do that? It was because he had handled the real thing for almost 20 years. He knew what real money felt like in his hands and because he was so familiar and associated himself with the read deal, he could tell almost instantly what was fake

The same thing holds true for relationship connections. Surrounding ourselves with positive people - real connections - we are able to readily recognize the opposite, whether it's an unhealthy relationship with a real person or a virtual counterfeit connection with pornography.

While I have no proof, I get the feeling that the people visiting the genealogy websites are not the same people visiting the pornography sites. Indulging in pornography is like devouring a massive wand of cotton candy. It’s temporarily delicious and exciting, but ultimately leaves you feeling hollow and empty, only momentarily satisfying the much deeper longing to belong, which is only possible through heartfelt human, not virtual, connection. There really is an opposition in all things. As humans we NEED connection with others, but how we go about it makes all the difference.

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What Advice Do Empty-Nest Parents Have to Share About Parenting?

Let's say you are planning your first trip to Hawaii. Wouldn't you want to do some searching online about Hawaii? Who would you talk with to find out what you would need to see and do on your trip? I've seen several posts from friends on Facebook that ask this same question - and there are always several comments from people who have "been there, done that." It makes complete sense to talk with and learn from others who have actually been there.

I think the same concept applies to parenting. Doesn't it make sense to talk with other parents and find out what they are doing and how it works? I think we can learn quite a bit from empty-nest parents--parents who have launched their children and now can look back on what they did, and perhaps wish they did.

So I did exactly that! I surveyed more than 500 empty-nest parents all over the country to find out more about their experiences of parenting. What could I, and countless other parents, learn about parenting so we can improve NOW, before our kids grow up and move away? For starters, 46% said that parenting was "more difficult" or "much more difficult" than they expected. They're right, parenting is tough stuff!
 
The actual study goes into much more detail than I can share here, but I will highlight a few things from my research. One of my burning questions was this: "Looking back, it is common for most parents to have a few regrets, or wish they had done a few things differently if they could do it all over again. If you could go back, what do you wish you could do differently?"
 
By far, the most common response was wishing they were more patient with their kids. One parent wrote, "I regret losing my temper when I was tired or stressed - should have made myself calm down before tackling their behavior." Another parent shared this, "Don't be negative to them. Don't dwell on failures or mistakes."
 
The second most common response was wishing they spent more time with their kids. One parent wrote, "I wish that I would have spent more time with them while I had them at home....I just wish I had done more with them and 'forgot' about work more often." Several empty-nesters remarked that the time goes way too fast and to enjoy them at every stage.
 
Finally, many empty-nest parents wished they would have spent more time improving their knowledge about parenting. One parent put it this way: "I wish I had all of the great parenting resources that exist today and had absorbed it all well enough to recognize some things that I missed." Another empty-nester said,  "I wish I had realized the benefit of parenting education then."

A few other highlights from my research:

• Spend time making memories, going on outings, mini-vacations
• Enjoy the small and simple moments
• Set a positive example
• Love them, love them, love them
• Don't give up - take a timeout for yourself occasionally

And I really like what this empty-nest parent had to say: "We were a pretty serious family. We should have not taken everything so seriously, and had a little more fun."

Wow! I completely agree. Sometimes I find myself taking everything too serious. It's SO important to slow down and be silly once in awhile. Here's one of those moments in the Schramm fam from a few years ago.

Notice how most of what empty-nest parents are saying has to do with building strong meaningful connections with their kiddos. It takes time, and it's hard work, but life really is all about connections!

Let me quickly flip things around. What if you ARE AN EMPTY-NEST PARENT NOW? There are still many ways to create connections with your children. A few years ago my birthday was around the corner and so I called my parents to tell them what I wanted for my upcoming birthday. I wanted them to each write me a letter, but not just any type of letter. I wanted them to think of this letter as the last letter that they would write to me in this life. In other words, I wanted to hear what they had to tell me, as if it was the last things they would ever say.

Although both of my parents are still alive (I love them like crazy!!), I treasure these letters, and will for as long as I live. You just never know what tomorrow will bring - they could be gone and I wouldn't have these letters. So if you are reading this and your children are grown and have moved on. Take some time to write them a letter, as if it was the last things you would ever tell them. Share your love and share from your heart what you want them to know and always remember. It will mean the world to them, I promise!

I took the opportunity recently to write letters to my oldest two daughters. The purpose of these letters was first, to let them know how much I loved them, and second, to share my hopes and dreams for them as they grow up. Wow! What a challenge, but a great experience.  I highly encourage parents who have teenagers to write a similar letter. Let them know what you want for them, why you do the things you do now, and let them know how much you love and support them. This is another great way to strengthen the base of the parenting pyramid (see previous post) - the parent-child relationship!

If you are interested in learning more about what I discovered from the empty-nest parent study I conducted, I would be more than happy to email you all the details as we get them analyzed. Shoot me an email! schrammdg@missouri.edu

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Hershey Kiss Connection Challenge!

Valentines Day is right around the corner. For many couples it's an exciting time of year. For others, it can be downright painful. Yet others find themselves not knowing quite what to do or where to go to eat to "WOW" their sweetheart.

While holidays can be times to share love in BIG ways, research actually shows that couples who find small and simple ways to connect frequently during the "off-holiday" times are much happier in the long run, compared to couples who occasionally experience big "bursts" of connection. 

There are many small and simple ways to connect with each other, which add cups to your "connection pool" (see my first blog post ever). For example, you might try buying a bag of Hershey's kisses for the Hershey Kiss Connection Challenge. It's a simple idea really. Take one out of the bag for you and share the rest with others. The goal is to share "kisses" with people as a way to strengthen your connection (relationship). You might write a specific compliment or simply "I love you!" on a sticky note or card with a Hershey kiss for him/her. Write several of these and put them where your sweetheart will see them. You can also give them away to anyone you meet! Life is sweeter with a little chocolate!

This also works great with kids! We have placed a Hershey kiss or other treat in their lunch with a little note. It's amazing what a little "kiss" can do! It's simply another way of adding a cup of connection to your connection pool you have with your kids. There are countless ways to do this. Another simple way is by placing your kids' laundry on their bed with a Hershey kiss on top, with an optional note as well. These are great ways of strengthening the foundation of the parenting-pyramid (see previous post on Parenting Pyramid).

My wife dropped by my work today unannounced (it wasn't a holiday!) just to bring a treat and chat. Totally made my day! Small and simple way of adding a cup of connection to our relationship pool to make it deeper.

It took me several years of marriage before I realized that my wife wasn't a big fan of receiving flowers or chocolates on Valentines Day. She would MUCH rather have me surprise her with flowers and treats on days that she didn't expect (CAUTION: your sweetheart might love - and expect - big surprises on Valentines Day, and that's just fine. Learn and follow what he/she prefers!). The point is that happy couples find small and simple ways to connect each day - a note, a hug, a compliment, expressing gratitude, helping out, or even a small Hershey kiss shows that you are thinking of him/her.

So have a great Valentines Day, but remember that one big BANG is like adding a pitcher full of connection to your connection pool, whereas adding daily cups of connection add up much faster over time. Life is about connections! Strengthen them one cup at a time ;)

 

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Hold Up an Emotional Mirror

Research shows that when children (and adults) are experiencing a strong emotion (fear, anger, sadness, stress, etc.) it is very difficult to learn anything or listen to anyone. Have you seen this in children’s meltdowns? In the heat of the moment many parents are worked up as well and they try to work things out with a child who is an emotional mess.

During these times it might be best to first deal with the emotion and show

compassion by holding up an “emotional mirror”. This means we simply reflect

what we see in children’s tone and body language. Rather than ignore, minimize or

deny negative emotions, it is more important for parents to allow their children to

express them and then to affirm those feelings. “You look angry”,

“You are disappointed”, and “That is a pretty strong word” are just three ways to

affirm a child’s emotion. When a child is emotional, it is an ideal time for bonding

and connection. Labeling an emotion is also a powerful way for young children to

better understand what they are feeling, and learn to control their emotions as they

get older.

 

After the affirmation, parents should explore the feelings and help children manage

them. Parents may say something like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “There

might be another way of looking at this. Should we think about it together?” If a child is

upset or experiencing a strong emotion, it may be best to simply soothe and hold the

child until they are ready to talk.

I remember picking up my daughter from dance several years ago. She was maybe 8 or 9 years old at the time. She climbed in the back seat and slammed the door. She then said, “I hate dance, Dad, I don’t like my teacher or the girls in there and I’m never going back. I quit!” Ouch! I was tempted to say something snippy right back at her, such as “You are not quitting dance. We paid for you to attend dance and you will dance! And like it!” or dismissing her emotions by saying “You don’t hate dance. You are being dramatic sweetie, now knock it off and calm down”. Now how helpful would that kind of response be?

The way a parent responds to this type of situation can invite a child to express her emotions further, or close things off. So what did I end of really saying? It was something like, “Wow, honey, it sounds like you had a really rough day at dance. What happened?”

She then knew it was safe to open up and tell me more. She proceeded to tell me how some girls were laughing at her and when she went to say something to the girls, her teacher got mad at her. My initial soft response, my reflection of her feelings, let my daughter know she was cared for and I was not going to preach and criticize.

What is the principle here? Feelings must be dealt with before behavior can be improved. Fish swim, birds fly, and people feel. Preaching and criticizing create distance and resentment. Parents should respond to children’s feelings, not their behavior. A child’s feelings should be taken seriously, even though the situation may not be serious. When children feel understood, their frustration and hurt diminish. And, the CONNECTION between parents and children can be strengthened!

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Make Time for 9!

Make Time for 9!

When I teach parenting workshops, parents tend to really love this information. Again, the point is to help things go right. If you are familiar with the previous post on the Parenting Pyramid, you can see that this concept aims at strengthening the bottom level of the pyramid - the CONNECTION between parents and children.

 

Let’s take a look at each of these 9’s.

• First, research shows that children need 8-12 (9)meaningful (safe) touches every day to feel connected to a parent. These can be as simple as a pat on the back, a fist bump, a hug, or even playful wrestling with a child. If a child is going through a tough time, they could use even more meaningful touches. We are wired to connect with each other and meaningful touch helps with attachment, trust, healing, and health. For example, in one research study preterm newborns who received just three 15-minute sessions of touch therapy each day for 5-10 days gained 47 percent more weight than premature infants who only received standard medical treatment!

• 9 minutes that matter – the first 3 minutes after children wake up; the first 3 minutes after coming home from school, child care, etc.; the last 3 minutes of the day – before they go to bed (reading, song, snuggle, words, calm). If parents work during these times, make the first and last minutes with the child count. Make those moments special and help children feel loved. These moments can be easily rushed by parents who are busy, running late, tired, or distracted. Children of all ages need parents to slow down, look them in the eyes, and talk with them or ask questions. But they are important moments for children and they often reach out for connection during these 9 minutes.

For example, I love to spend a few minutes snuggling in my 9 year old daughter’s bed the first thing in the morning. It sets the tone for the day and instead of yelling and rushing her to get up, I try to enjoy the first few minutes of the day with her.

•  9 minutes of conversation – depending on age, children need at least 9 total minutes of “face time” with a parent (eye-to-eye). It may be 9 minutes straight, or a minute here and there. Infants especially need to look into their parents’ eyes and connect so attachments can be strengthened. It is important for parents to understand that even babies need to be talked to – it doesn’t matter what we say. Teenagers also need a good 9 minutes of interaction with a parent, to keep the lines of communication open.

Creating meaningful connections doesn’t take big chunks of time. It’s often the small and simple things that build strong connections over time.

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The Parenting Pyramid - Help Things go RIGHT

Many parents get caught in the trap of spending too much time threatening and disciplining their children and correcting them  when things go wrong. I’m guessing 70-80% of all parenting books focus primarily on what to do when things go wrong – what discipline strategy to use or what natural consequences should look like.

Now don’t get me wrong. Disciplining and correcting children is an important part of parenting, but it should not be where we spend the majority of our time. The parenting pyramid, developed by the Arbinger Institute, is a model that focuses primarily on helping things go right, rather than spending most of the time figuring out what to do when children misbehave.

 

The effectiveness of parents’ correction of children, no matter what method is used, will always depend on the effectiveness of the prior teaching of them. This is because the better parents teach their children, the less correction is needed, and when it is needed, it will be a natural extension of their teaching. Rather than seeing children as ungrateful, disobedient burdens who require correction, parents can view them instead as children who haven't learned yet. In other words, the pyramid suggests that parents should spend more time teaching than correcting.

However, no matter how much time a parent spends teaching, the fact is that children are less likely to learn from parents that they do not like! The third layer of the pyramid suggests that parents should spend more time developing a strong and loving relationship (CONNECTION) with their children, if their teaching and disciplining is not working. In summary, the effectiveness of parents’ correction will depend on the quality of their teaching, and the quality of their teaching will depend on the quality of their relationship with their children.

A few questions you might consider:

·      Am I correcting my children without teaching them?

·      What is the quality of my relationship with my children?

·      Do I spend more time and energy disciplining or teaching my children than strengthening my relationship with them?

·    How can I do a better job of teaching my child so I can spend less time correcting them?

·      What can I do to strengthen my relationship with my child so they are more open to teaching and correction?

Remember – CONNECTION first, correction last.

 

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