One of the
most common experiences most every couple will go through will be feeling like
they are in a rut—they feel bored and
the excitement of earlier years is now lost in the mundane routines of life,
kids, work, and housework. Following the theme of this blog, relationship
connection and closeness is analogous to a swimming pool. The size and depth of
the pool depends on how many and how frequently you add “cups of connection” to
your pool.
As a
reminder, cups of connection are symbolic, and can be added to your
relationship pool by doing and saying positive things that draw you closer
together. These can be small and simple things like eating a bowl of ice cream
together while talking about your day, or going on a walk together. Simply
sending a text message telling your spouse how much you love them or leaving
them a note in the bathroom or in their car with a favorite treat are also ways
of adding cups of connection to your relationship pool.
In the early years
of being together, most couples are pretty good at doing little things for each
other: going on regular dates, and putting effort and creativity into showing
their spouse they love them. This is like adding 20-25 cups of connection into
the relationship pool daily. Granted, most couples start with a kiddie pool
that isn’t too deep yet. But over time, couples who regularly add cups of
connection to their pool find that their kiddie pool has expanded into a larger
and deeper pool. But over time, we don't seem to add as many cups of connection as often.
Let’s stop
here and think about 3 ways that a pool loses water. First is evaporation. If you put some water in a kiddie pool in
your backyard at the beginning of summer and never added water for three
months, what would you end up with at the end of summer? (besides a ring of
dead grass underneath). Depending on how hot the summer was, most of the water
would have probably evaporated. This is true for any relationship. Over time,
we lose connection with friends from high school, college, friends who move
away, and even family members who we don’t see or talk with much.
The
sad truth is this: without
consistent conscious connections, we will inevitably experience a natural drift
to isolation and loneliness. In relationship terms, I call it
“Relation-dehydration.” You don’t have to be mean and nasty in relationships
(aka “dipping”, which is next) for them to deteriorate. All you have to do is
NOTHING. It’s like trying to walk up an escalator that is coming down. It takes
consistent effort and if we give up and say “this is useless” then we slowly
get carried down the escalator until we hit rock bottom – and that’s where
couples either emotionally divorce and stay together for the kids (or other
reasons) or emotionally and physically divorce altogether.
The
second way a pool might lose water is from Dipping. Dipping occurs by taking the cup you were using to add
to the pool and, instead, use it to dip water out of the pool of connection.
This happens in ALL couples from time to time. Examples include saying something
snarky or sarcastic to your spouse, criticizing, name-calling, yelling, or
doing mean and spiteful things on purpose to injure them (emotionally or
physically). John Gottman found that happy couples had a pouring (positive) to
dipping (negative) ratio of 5:1, meaning they were doing 5 times as many
positive things for each other as negative. But notice that even happy couples
occasionally said or did mean things. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, have
a 1.2:1 ratio, or basically an even ratio of positive to negative.
The
third way swimming pools may lose water over time is through cracks in the
pool. Cracks represent “loyalty leaks” that stem from broken commitments, loss
of trust, and other experiences where individuals feel “burned” by something
the other said or did. These can range from broken promises to cheating on
their spouse. The size of the leak depends on how serious the other partner
views it. Cracks in relationship pools, like real swimming pools, are difficult
to fix, and can take work and even therapy to mend. Simply adding cups of
connection to a pool that has serious cracks in the bottom won’t fill the pool
up.
Again,
it’s critically important to understand that ALL couples experience
relation-dehydration from time to time. Similarly, ALL couples experience
dipping – we say mean things occasionally, we mess up, we forget instructions,
even when they were explained a dozen times. But the effect these have on
couples depend on the depth of the pool. If your pool is deep due to countless
cups of connection, then an occasional dip won’t feel nearly as bad as when
your pool is small and you take a cup or two out of it from a smart remark in a
harsh tone.
Many
couples also experience occasional cracks in the pool where the foundation is
tested. Some couples feel like their pools are more like puddles, while others may
seem to have an Olympic-sized pool! The
fact is, the depth and size of couples’ pools vary tremendously. Too often we
compare the size of our pools with others, without realizing how long other couples
have been together, or the trials, sickness, heartache, and other storms they
have weathered together that have deepened their pool. Or the years and
thousands of cups of connection that they slowly added to their pool, day by
day, week after week, year after year.
So
now what? What can you do when you feel like your relationship is “blah!”? You
can start by focusing on the positives you see in each other. Take a look at
your wedding album, pictures from fun vacations, home videos, or holidays. Talk
about the memories you have about when you first met. What does this do? It
actually floods your brain and body with chemicals that help cement the
memories into your noggin, turns on the positive receptors, dopamine is
released, and you feel better! When you feel better you are more likely to feel
like doing small and simple things for each other.
You
might also try establishing rituals of connection. Examples include a kiss
before you leave each other, a kiss when you return, talking for a few minutes
after dinner, going on a walk together, or other simple rituals that help you
feel connected. The point is that you need to increase the cups of connection
into your pool. I also encourage couples to celebrate big occasions in
meaningful ways. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other celebrations are
great ways to actually add pitchers full of connection to the relationship
pool. But even a romantic getaway or week-long cruise will only add a pitcher
or two of connection to your pool. These exciting times are wonderful, but the
day-to-day cups of connection are how relationship pools become deeper over
time—slowly but surely. But time alone will not deepen your pool. We all know
couples who have been together for decades but they don’t have a close
emotional connection. Perhaps their pools never were deep to begin with or they
let relation-dehydration set in. Whatever the case, they drifted apart and
turned into cranks! Don’t let this happen!!
Whew!
The point is that it’s crucial to make time every day to add cups of connection
to your relationship pool and be quick to forgive your spouse when they
occasionally dip out of the pool. Focus on all the water that is still in the
pool and think about ways you can add to it, not on the water that gets dipped
out. Life is about connections – add a cup today! Stay tuned to for future posts about "Connection-Makers" vs. "Connection-Breakers"