Deepen Your Pool of Connection with SPARCH ("Spark")

The last post discussed what PARCHeS relationships – or some reasons emotional connections go from pools to puddles. This post will focus on ways to deepen the relationship pool and the answer actually involves rearranging the same letters as PARCHS to form the word SPARCH ("Spark" J). Each of these get at the heart of helping things go right in relationships. They each add cups of connection to your relationship pool of connection. Notice how each of the following are about “turning out”, by focusing on others instead of “turning in” and thinking and protecting yourself.

S – stands for Service. One of the fastest and best ways to add cups of connection to your relationship pool is simply to serve. There is something about doing something kind for someone else that seems to melt away hard feelings. Serving draws us closer to others more quickly than almost anything else I know. Perhaps one of my most favorite quotes on service is simply, “first observe, then serve.”

Serving our spouse allows us to escape the bitter feelings we may have towards them. In his book, The Heart of Commitment, Scott Stanley says, “Sacrifice [and service are] the highest expressions of dedicated, loving action because it asks you to show by your actions that you really mean it when you say you are committed.” (p. 193)

The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our expressions of love and commitment mean little if our spouse doesn’t feel they are sincere. Simple acts of service are one of the best ways we can show our sincerity. By putting their needs and wants in front of our own, we can show them how much they matter to us. This week, actively look for ways to serve your spouse. There might be a chore you can do that is normally their responsibility. See what happens, then notice the cup of connection you just poured into your relationship pool.

P – stands for Positivity. There has been an explosion of research in the past two decades on positivity and positive psychology, and for good reason! Science tells us that the human brain receives 11 million pieces of information every second from our environment, but can only process 40 bits per second. That means we have to choose what we focus on and what to dismiss or ignore. In other words, your reality is a choice – what you choose to focus on shapes how you perceive and interpret your world. So there is a tradeoff, I can think about more negatives, and as a result, the less positives I see, OR I change my mindset and focus on the positives.

A story has been told about a couple where occasionally the husband got irritated and complained about his wife’s faults. Finally she got tired of being criticized and declared, “You know, you have faults, too!” The husband replied, “Yes. But they don’t bother me like yours do!” One of the realities of marriage is that over time we become very familiar with our spouse’s faults. No matter how much you love your spouse, no matter how solid your friendship, no matter how fiercely loyal you are, you cannot help but notice their mistakes, shortcomings and failings.

But something wonderful happens when we change our mindset and focus on the positive. It is simply this: while we are well aware of their shortcomings, we do not DWELL on them. In other words, “be aware”, but “don’t compare” your spouse to others or yourself. Rather, we recognize we have things we need to work on too, so we see things in the context of the positive.  Focus on the 80-90% you really love about your spouse, not the 10-20% that drives you nuts.

Wally Goddard, a dear friend and mentor taught that we can increase the amount of positive emotions we feel by finding aspects of our past, present, and future to appreciate and savor. We can remember the good things that have happened in our past and choose to rewrite the negative memories with a positive theme by thinking of the good that came out of them. We can also slow down to savor and appreciate the small things in life such as our spouse’s smile, a warm sunny day, or the taste of your favorite dessert. Anticipate the possibilities of good things yet to come with a positive outlook. Besides positivity is contagious, but so is negativity. A wise former teacher explained that when we give negativity, negativity comes back quickly! But when we give positive, positive comes back slowly. Be patient, and choose to be positive with your 40 bits per second!

A – stands once again for Attitude. Just as a negative attitude repels others from wanting to get close, a warm, engaging, patient, cheerful, and supportive attitude is inviting. We can choose to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt rather than be suspicious. Our attitude, while being susceptible to influence by others, our prior experience, and our environment (see H.A.L.T. in previous post), is ultimately a matter of choice. This can be difficult because our brains are actually wired to notice and point out mistakes. But when you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities you will have more opportunities for connection.

We have all heard the cliché phrase, “an attitude of gratitude.” Research actually shows that choosing to feel grateful for not only what you have in your life, but more importantly who you have in your life, and expressing that gratitude to them, increases happiness. If you haven’t seen THIS youtube clip on gratitude, it’s definitely worth your time.

Finally, learn to live with things that cannot change. Be glad you can bring qualities your spouse does not have and be glad they can bring some too. Focus and talk about the wonderful things you enjoy about your spouse, especially when you are around others. Refrain from becoming a “complain monster”, which leads to dipping from your relationship pool. Choose to be positive and grateful.

R – stands for Response. Just as our response and attitude can dip water from our relationship pool, a positive response to calls for connection (see post on Turning Toward Calls for Connection) make a world of difference. Our attitudes begin with the condition of our hearts, which lead to thoughts, then actions. A positive attitude doesn’t let feelings of “fairness” get in the way of happiness. When a spouse irritates you, resist the urge to make things "fair" by RESPONDING the same way. Rather, irritation is an invitation to slow down and see things from their perspective. Our attitude, or how we feel about a situation really is up to us. It’s vital that we slow down and remember that in the big picture, people are more important than problems, projects, and profits.

C – stands for Compassion. A good friend and mentor, Wally Goddard wrote the following: “Sometimes we spend too much time conducting investigations and holding court in our relationships. We worry about who started a problem and who deserves the blame. We can get stuck in blame and recrimination. When mistakes are made in our relationships, we can choose NOT to get stuck. We can choose to offer compassion and forgiveness to ourselves and our partners. We can invite compassion and forgiveness from our partner by apologizing. The next time one of you blunders in your relationship, take a deep breath and go looking for your compassion. Accept that both of you are human and will inevitably make mistakes. Offer compassion to your partner and ask for forgiveness for your mistakes.”

Some of my favorite Christmas movies include “A Christmas Carol” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Both are tales that are excellent examples of moving from PARCHeS to SPARCH. Notice how these stories reflect each element from both acronyms. Both characters were Prideful, with negative Attitudes that led to being irritable with others and Responding gruffly with people. Each character got stuck in murky depths of Competition and Hostility. But something miraculous happened that transformed them from the inside out. They each, in their own unique way saw others from a different perspective. This new outlook not only changed their actions, but it changed their hearts and attitudes. As a result, Humility and Compassion filled their souls and they turned outward instead of inward by Serving others and experiencing the joy that comes from doing so. The principles from both stories offer priceless insights for happy marriages!

H – stands for Humility. If pride is the ultimate destroyer of relationship pools, then humility is the foundation of our pools.  One of the most consistent and powerful findings in Dr. John Gottman’s research on predicting happy couples was the husband’s ability to accept influence from his wife. Wow! It wasn’t his ability to craft “I” statements or his skill in reflective listening. It is his openness to being influenced, seeing things from her perspective, and considering how she might feel about the situation. Whereas pride is concerned about WHO is right, humility focuses on WHAT is right.

Humility leads to apologies, which are simply requests for reconnection. When we have done wrong, we metaphorically dip from our pool of connection, which, according to Gottman, actually results in 5 dips from our pool due to the 5:1 ratio of positivity to negativity in happy marriages. It takes humility to approach our spouse. In effect, we are saying to them, “I’m so sorry I messed up. I feel distant from you and want to be close again. We lost our connection because of what I have said or done, and I’m reaching out to close the gap.”

I like this article by Scott Gornto and the way he discusses humility as the #1 important ingredient for a successful marriage. In research I have carried out with colleagues across the country, we found in our results of more than 1,500 telephone surveys, that Positivity, Compassion, and Humility predicted 46% of a person’s marital satisfaction! This is a remarkable finding! Of these three qualities of character, humility turns out to be the strongest predictor. In fact, when we looked at marital stress, we found that higher marital stress, not surprisingly, is related to lower levels of marital satisfaction, EXCEPT when humility was high. In other words, humility acts as a buffer to stress in marriage! We would do well to apply the principle in this popular saying, “To keep your relationship brimming, with love in your connection cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.” For some of the very best free resources on getting our hearts right (from University of Arkansas Extension), click HERE.

In summary, marriages offer us the opportunity to experience the greatest joys in life, but they also can be stressful and stretch us in ways that are uncomfortable. If we can focus our time and attention on the principles outlined in this post, our relationship pools will become deeper. As they become deeper the occasional negativity that happens in ALL relationships will not feel as damaging because we choose to focus on the depths of the connection formed from months and years of positive, consistent, conscious connection. I hope you remember the importance of relationship SPARCH, whether your relationship pool of connection is deep or shallow.

I would love to read your feedback and comments below!

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Connection Breakers - What PARCHeS Relationship Pools of Connection?

The last post was about “relation dehydration” – or losing water from your emotional connection pool (reading it will help make more sense out of this post). In a nutshell, the icy distance between spouses stems from one of three sources: evaporation (neglecting the relationship), dipping (negativity in the relationship), or cracks in the pool (lack of trust and/or commitment in the relationship). But what are some specific things that lead to disconnection in relationships? While there are countless thoughts, words, and actions that lead to loss of connection in relationship pools, they almost always stem from one or more of the following “Connection Breakers”.

The acronym is PARCHeS – very fitting considering what these literally do to relationships – they leave pools of emotional connection feeling shallow, empty, hollow, and dried up.

P – stands for Pride. Pride is the universal sponge that often finds its way into relationship pools. It is THEE deadly cancer in relationships and any other nasty and mean thing that spouses do to each other is ultimately a manifestation of pride.  A “me-first marriage” is rarely a happy one. If left unchecked and pride continues, it ultimately leads to pulling the plug at the bottom of the relationship pool. People who wreak of pride and arrogance literally repel others from wanting to get close to them.

A – stands for Attitude. It is difficult to feel close to someone else when a constant negative attitude is radiated. When I’m cranky and irritable sometimes even nice things my wife says or does might bug me! Negative attitudes are manifest in countless ways, some of the most hurtful include attitudes related to being sarcastic, impatient, bored, pessimistic, suspicious, irritable and critical. Impatient attitudes may result from feeling what someone has termed H.A.L.T. This stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These four buggers can easily influence our attitudes. In short, negative attitudes lead to “dipping” words and actions from the relationship pool of connection.

R – stands for Response. This one is so critical it deserves its own blog post – for another day, or review the post “Turn toward calls for connection” for a reminder. When interactions in relationships get heated, our response often matters more than the stressor itself.  Perhaps the most important part of our response to others is our TONE of voice. Tone changes everything!

Take a look at the following sentences. In your mind (or out loud J) you can only say the word “Honey” in response to each bullet. Notice how your tone and pitch in your voice (or mental voice) changes.

• You just found out your spouse received a pay raise
• Your spouse calls to tell you he/she was just rear-ended in your car
• Your spouse brings flowers or a gift home to you
• Your spouse is playing on his/her cell phone instead of listening to what you are saying (this one never happens right?)
• You were just given a great welcome-home hug and smooch from your spouse (the tone could really be different here—depending on your attitude…uh…honey?)
• You are in the bathroom and just ran out of toilet paper

Wow! You can see (and hear) how tone matters. The point is this: we CAN control how we respond to our spouse, our kids, our coworkers and our environment. We can choose to ACT, rather that REACT. Think about the last time you answered the telephone in the middle of an argument with your spouse or child. You immediately went from harsh to pleasant! A harsh tone or response is really an invitation for the other person to either: 1) get defensive (shut down, which results in evaporation in the relationship pool) or 2) go offensive (respond right back at ya!) This results in dipping from the pool.

Relationship expert John Gottman found that when couples began a conversation with what he termed a “harsh startup”, 96% of the time the conversation would spiral out of control and it ended worse than it began So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.

C – stands for Competition and H stands for Hostility. Again, no surprise here that feelings of competition and hostility come from pride, the mother of all messes. Competition means “me against you” instead of “me and you”. And competition inevitably means a winner and a loser. Competition and hostility frequently go together. Last year my wife and I were watching our daughter’s soccer game. Just down from us was seated a man, then his father, mother, and his wife was seated on the end. Throughout the game the man and his wife would occasionally make little pokes at each other. Geez! Talk about feeling uncomfortable and awkward sitting by them. Things were getting a little heated when finally the man’s mother said, “You two need to quit this. You are on the same team!”. Then the man launched a grenade into their relationship pool (I’m certain it was more like a puddle) when he said the following in a sarcastic tone, “I don’t want a loser on my team!”. Ouch! The feeling of competition with each other, trying to out-do each other led to hostility and relationship grenades!

Competition almost always leads to contention and hostility, which leads to dipping from the pool of emotional connection. John Gottman found that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling were sure signs that relationships were cascading toward a waterfall of destruction if left unchanged.  Unfortunately it also leads to evaporation – who wants to add cups of connection to their pool when they are feeling like they are on opposing teams? Remember marriage is not a contest - never keep score!

S – stands for Stress and Selfishness. Research studies show that when people feel stressed, they turn inward and basically lose the ability to have empathy and compassion. It’s difficult to feel close or even want to feel close to your spouse when you are stressed out. It is not uncommon for stressed spouses to focus only on the negative and the problems in the relationship. But remember this: when you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities you will have more opportunities (for connection).

Research also shows that we generally like and admire about 80% of our spouse, while 20% might bother us occasionally or sometimes just downright drive us nuts. However, when we feel stress in the relationship, the 20% that we don’t care for all of a sudden FEELS like 80% and we focus on that. We talk to others about it. We complain about it. We dwell on it. It’s a vicious cycle that pulls us down. Hidden feelings of selfishness combined with toxic stress all scream that the problem is THEM! If they would only change! Even worse, we may experience a “loyalty leak” in our pool of connection as we start admiring others around us and notice that the woman/man at work listens to us, appreciates us, and laughs at our jokes. We may even think to ourselves that we like 100% of this “other person”, not realizing that we all have our own 20% that bugs others.

I think there is truth in this quote about selfishness, “Every divorce is the result of selfishness on the part of one or the other or both parties to a marriage contract. Someone is thinking of self-comforts, conveniences, freedoms, luxuries, or ease.” – Spencer Kimball.

Wow! Talk about a depressing post! So that’s what research shows dries, or PARCHeS relationships. Most relationship issues stem, in some way, back to one or more of these areas. Take another look at PARCHeS. What do each of the words have in common? They all focus INWARD – it’s about ME, rather than WE. They are concerned about WHO is right, not about WHAT is right. Stay tuned for the next post about Connection Makers – the cure for a PARCHed relationship! Better yet, subscribe to the blog and you'll be notified when it comes out. ;)

I would love to know what you think. Leave me a comment below!

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Have You Experienced Relation-Dehydration?

One of the most common experiences most every couple will go through will be feeling like they are in a rut—they  feel bored and the excitement of earlier years is now lost in the mundane routines of life, kids, work, and housework. Following the theme of this blog, relationship connection and closeness is analogous to a swimming pool. The size and depth of the pool depends on how many and how frequently you add “cups of connection” to your pool.

As a reminder, cups of connection are symbolic, and can be added to your relationship pool by doing and saying positive things that draw you closer together. These can be small and simple things like eating a bowl of ice cream together while talking about your day, or going on a walk together. Simply sending a text message telling your spouse how much you love them or leaving them a note in the bathroom or in their car with a favorite treat are also ways of adding cups of connection to your relationship pool.

In the early years of being together, most couples are pretty good at doing little things for each other: going on regular dates, and putting effort and creativity into showing their spouse they love them. This is like adding 20-25 cups of connection into the relationship pool daily. Granted, most couples start with a kiddie pool that isn’t too deep yet. But over time, couples who regularly add cups of connection to their pool find that their kiddie pool has expanded into a larger and deeper pool. But over time, we don't seem to add as many cups of connection as often.

Let’s stop here and think about 3 ways that a pool loses water. First is evaporation. If you put some water in a kiddie pool in your backyard at the beginning of summer and never added water for three months, what would you end up with at the end of summer? (besides a ring of dead grass underneath). Depending on how hot the summer was, most of the water would have probably evaporated. This is true for any relationship. Over time, we lose connection with friends from high school, college, friends who move away, and even family members who we don’t see or talk with much.

The sad truth is this: without consistent conscious connections, we will inevitably experience a natural drift to isolation and loneliness. In relationship terms, I call it “Relation-dehydration.” You don’t have to be mean and nasty in relationships (aka “dipping”, which is next) for them to deteriorate. All you have to do is NOTHING. It’s like trying to walk up an escalator that is coming down. It takes consistent effort and if we give up and say “this is useless” then we slowly get carried down the escalator until we hit rock bottom – and that’s where couples either emotionally divorce and stay together for the kids (or other reasons) or emotionally and physically divorce altogether.

The second way a pool might lose water is from Dipping. Dipping occurs by taking the cup you were using to add to the pool and, instead, use it to dip water out of the pool of connection. This happens in ALL couples from time to time. Examples include saying something snarky or sarcastic to your spouse, criticizing, name-calling, yelling, or doing mean and spiteful things on purpose to injure them (emotionally or physically). John Gottman found that happy couples had a pouring (positive) to dipping (negative) ratio of 5:1, meaning they were doing 5 times as many positive things for each other as negative. But notice that even happy couples occasionally said or did mean things. Unhappy couples, on the other hand, have a 1.2:1 ratio, or basically an even ratio of positive to negative.

The third way swimming pools may lose water over time is through cracks in the pool. Cracks represent “loyalty leaks” that stem from broken commitments, loss of trust, and other experiences where individuals feel “burned” by something the other said or did. These can range from broken promises to cheating on their spouse. The size of the leak depends on how serious the other partner views it. Cracks in relationship pools, like real swimming pools, are difficult to fix, and can take work and even therapy to mend. Simply adding cups of connection to a pool that has serious cracks in the bottom won’t fill the pool up.

 Again, it’s critically important to understand that ALL couples experience relation-dehydration from time to time. Similarly, ALL couples experience dipping – we say mean things occasionally, we mess up, we forget instructions, even when they were explained a dozen times. But the effect these have on couples depend on the depth of the pool. If your pool is deep due to countless cups of connection, then an occasional dip won’t feel nearly as bad as when your pool is small and you take a cup or two out of it from a smart remark in a harsh tone.

Many couples also experience occasional cracks in the pool where the foundation is tested. Some couples feel like their pools are more like puddles, while others may seem to have an Olympic-sized pool!  The fact is, the depth and size of couples’ pools vary tremendously. Too often we compare the size of our pools with others, without realizing how long other couples have been together, or the trials, sickness, heartache, and other storms they have weathered together that have deepened their pool. Or the years and thousands of cups of connection that they slowly added to their pool, day by day, week after week, year after year.

So now what? What can you do when you feel like your relationship is “blah!”? You can start by focusing on the positives you see in each other. Take a look at your wedding album, pictures from fun vacations, home videos, or holidays. Talk about the memories you have about when you first met. What does this do? It actually floods your brain and body with chemicals that help cement the memories into your noggin, turns on the positive receptors, dopamine is released, and you feel better! When you feel better you are more likely to feel like doing small and simple things for each other.

You might also try establishing rituals of connection. Examples include a kiss before you leave each other, a kiss when you return, talking for a few minutes after dinner, going on a walk together, or other simple rituals that help you feel connected. The point is that you need to increase the cups of connection into your pool. I also encourage couples to celebrate big occasions in meaningful ways. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other celebrations are great ways to actually add pitchers full of connection to the relationship pool. But even a romantic getaway or week-long cruise will only add a pitcher or two of connection to your pool. These exciting times are wonderful, but the day-to-day cups of connection are how relationship pools become deeper over time—slowly but surely. But time alone will not deepen your pool. We all know couples who have been together for decades but they don’t have a close emotional connection. Perhaps their pools never were deep to begin with or they let relation-dehydration set in. Whatever the case, they drifted apart and turned into cranks! Don’t let this happen!!

Whew! The point is that it’s crucial to make time every day to add cups of connection to your relationship pool and be quick to forgive your spouse when they occasionally dip out of the pool. Focus on all the water that is still in the pool and think about ways you can add to it, not on the water that gets dipped out. Life is about connections – add a cup today! Stay tuned to for future posts about "Connection-Makers" vs. "Connection-Breakers"

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